Stolen from Some Great Writer.

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Just some clickbait, everything I wrote here was mine and mine only.

(I haven't written in this thing since the 7th Grade, only one person has ever seen it. But I dunno, I need to be more honest with myself, and this is the one thing that has always been on the back of my mind.)

(A lot of the stuff here is really what I was thinking at the time. I don't want you to misinterpret anything from then to now, otherwise we're going to have a multitude of problems.)

(I also redacted some paragraphs and parts, they were either too personal or too vivid, in the light of things, this writing is highly mellow, and the emotion put into it is far more felt than I expected it to be.)

In inspiration of Kurt Cobain's "Journals" and Woodrow Wilson High School's Room 203 "Freedom Writers", I have decided to create a novel-type outlook on my personal life and views on life in general. I'm not going to mock the books above, I'm just using it as a building block. I've been in debate on whether I should write this or not, for it will hold very personal and crucial content that is important to me. Someday, or maybe somehow, I hope you will come across this and it will aide you in any way. I never want whatever this is to be deemed as "great", or anything in relation to that word. To me, it is simply me expressing myself to these notes. You see, I have never felt it appropriate to talk to my mom about such "emotion." I simply feel that her motherly duties of providing for the family shouldn't be embezzled with me. It sounds selfish. I feel as if I had a "male"(not to be sexist) figure in my life, I wouldn't feel this way. My father has been in a jail cell for two years, and I haven't seen him in five years. He went to Denver for a job and didn't return until a letter came in the mail. A letter for me. "Strange", I thought. "I never get letters in the mail."  When I opened it, it blew me. It was a letter of remorse, empathy, and regret. Of course, being 11 and not knowing such knowledge of my mom and dad's"falling out", I replied. Soon, my father and I had bonded over letters to one another in a range of two years. I stopped speaking to him feeling deceived. My father was in jail for (redacted). I came from the seed of a man who let his emotion at the time overshadow the consequences. A stubborn man, same as me sometimes. As a child, I let my emotion cause my actions, no matter how harsh. Now, my empathy and compassion towards people I know overshadow my actions.  I sometimes speak the truth, no matter how harsh. But it also creates a weakness in me. I care about the people I know so much, I get paranoid. Paranoid about the well-being of my friends and family, and even my own safety. In a simpler manner, I can't have full enjoyment of amusing or fun things. I live a good life, in my opinion. I'm satisfied with the smaller things in life.

(deleted paragraph)

Some of us are manipulative and power-hungry. I'm an easy person to manipulate, honestly. My courtesy towards people has led me towards that. I simply love people who are respectful and selfless too much that it has alienated me. I find myself to be "sad", and then "happy" sometimes, but behind the smirks and smiles there's always another face. Man has disillusioned us all, bringing us joy while backstabbing us. Shamefully, nowadays, I find it harder to talk and to have any emotion other than sorrow. I find it harder to have joy while drowning in my own thoughts, most days I can't even sleep. I can't even stare people in the face anymore, for this device masks me while showing me the world. I've tried. I really have. I know that I will continue living the good life in perception physically, but mentally I ache under the volcanic  lands that mankind has created for me. I simply don't feel joy that I used to feel. Music seems to be the only way I find a voice that makes me feel like I'm not alone. Realistically, I am. In my own mind, I'm alone. For I have buried myself under the grave of manipulation, and greed. I feel guilt and sadness. I hope there will be brighter days that lead me away from myself. My sister makes it harder for me to find something that makes me feel meaningful. I always felt that my relationship with her was damaged, due to her adolescence as well as her anger. Although I find my introvert manner and anger to be a failure as well, I think that I will never find a peaceful spot with my sister. 

A year has passed since I last wrote this, and to put this in an easier manner; I feel almost alleviated. I've felt bad, but it voids me away knowing that I'm taking care of myself. I've distanced myself from friends with bad morals and lack the level or maturity and view of the world and found people whom I feel as if I can relate with; their intelligence just feels right. It's hard to find someone who has a depiction of the world that I do. Either way, if I found someone who understood things like I did, I'd try to distance themselves from it. With my growth, I find that the world around you expands and you start to live. It just feels right.  I find myself feeling confident and happy now, while still handling the duties of my daily life. I've noticed that I share some traits of a normal teenager, as I have grown a bit of a passion for video games, but if there's one thing that truly makes me feel any other emotion, it's her. She was my everything. I feel more remorse towards myself. I simply stopped caring. 

I find it harder to stabilize my emotions. In a sense,  I find myself feeling things harder and deeper, more philosophic than emotionally. Today I find myself regretful and sad, realizing that I must covet with the emotions that I've created myself with. I distanced myself away, and now I'm alone. It's harder to talk to people, the only thing that makes me hurt a bit less is trying to focus away from it, but even that goes away when I realize what I'm doing. I guess it's just smart to face the facts. I'm emotionally unstable. I find myself happy but the sadness overcomes me and I've always felt as if people have never felt how I felt.

In truth, I believe that what holds us together is the love and admiration we have for our inner circles. It seems as if we need to be reassured from people that we're still loved. I self-assure too much, and I think that's my problem. I love others but I fail to love myself, but logically speaking you can't love someone without defining your own love. I'm afraid to love people because they go away. Does no one else find that scary? People die and move on with life and they love others.  My attachment to things I love is really deep. I have literally cried for days on end when I go through breakups because I devote a lot. In life, we come through many instances in which we have many opportunities to love, but does that love feel the same as the past?  There's so much to lose in love, putting emotions and commitment to something that can possibly happen. I've always found relationships to be what I mentioned earlier; reassurance. The person you're attracted to might not be attracted to you, maybe they just need to feel some type of love, or a purpose in this world. Experiencing and enjoying are two different things.

I find it hard to live sometimes,  I feel like I've been feeling this way a lot lately. Sorrow starts to drown me, and my desperation to not feel this way just makes me sink even more realizing what I'm feeling. I mean, fuck dude, why aren't you happy? I don't know.  It hurts a lot, and then you feel like crying but you need to stay strong. You need to stay strong because that's what you've been up to this point. It's hard. It really is. And the thing is; no one evers listens or cares enough to notice that something's wrong. I have to try to suck it up and find a motivation to live the next day. I feel like writing in this gives me a sort of closet to throw my feelings in. Music makes me feel this way too; but I'm running out of music, what'll happen if I run out of words to type? i try to look back at my past to see if I've ever truly felt joy or love, and I can't help but think about her. 

Lately, I've contemplated a lot on whether this is merely a phase of if it's something serious. It's like I have good days, but with sad emotions, and bad days with even sadder emotions. Living on a good day is excellent,  you feel the reassurance in the air, and it's just so much easier to breathe. Good days can mean many things for many people; earning something, relief, maybe you've accomplished something. To me; it's simply trying to not worry about anything and allowing yourself to let the emotions fling from what occurs. It's almost like an escape from the capabilities of our minds.  Like today, I had an excellent day, nothing fun occured, but it just felt complete. You see, in life, we fail to simply break from the chains that society puts up for us and simply listen and look around, enjoy the view, enjoy the ride.

(I deleted 4 paragraphs following this one, they're too vivid and my self-conscious won't let me put them in without hesitation. I might add them soon if all goes well.)