The Raw Calm

Evangeline

Written September, 2016. 

☘️

Sometimes I remember.

What she did. What I did. What we all did.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I remember a house. But different things happen in that house.

I was turned
into an object.
I ate
a boy.
I died in
that
boy's
arms.
And I was
caught
by a friend.

I believe in there being only one future. This is because "future" literally means "what's to come". You can't change "what's to come", so you can't change the "future".

But I have had different pasts. I have died in different ways.

And every me,
from 14 to 84,
created the being I am right now.

If I have had different "pasts", as in, "what has already happened", then how come I still believe that there is only one future?

Sometimes I feel like it is not my right to decide whether or not there are multiple futures, but God's, or whatever rules over Peritia.

Why did God see it fit for a cannibal to be an angel? Not to mention, a seraph? Why was I chosen to be a soldier of God when I was only 16?

I'm 18 now and I still can't believe it. I still can't believe God saw me fit to be an angel.

So I have a theory.

That whatever race—kind, you are, is not decided by your birth, but what will happen in the future. I feel like the burden and responsibility of being a "noble" seraph is forcing me to do things I would not usually do. For instance, all of the children I take into my arms, even though I myself am but a child, is not something anyone in their right mind would do. But, I can't help but think it's my responsibility to look after others. I feel like this because God, or whoever decided the circumstances of my birth, decided I should be a seraph. Decided I should be one of the youngest and one of the most capable people of the army. I feel like this because my "future" has me as the embodiment of hope, so I must comply. I must not view this as a burden, but as destiny. View it as destiny because I am hope. View it as destiny because I am looking after so many people, fighting so many people, rescuing so many people.

I was born with the destiny of a seraph, of a God, of a mother to those who are lonely. I was born with the destiny of hope. But perhaps this is just Golden Mary talking. She takes control of my mind, curling her fingers around the wrinkles of my brain, scraping at the fleshy outside of my thoughts and making them bleed ichor. She puts me under Apalala's control. She makes me not feel right. I think it be best if you don't take this seriously. It was all probably nothing. I am told to stop thinking for myself.

So I must comply. I must listen.

My thoughts will end, and I await my next dose.