How it All Began

Who I Talk To

A "voice."

So, some background on that.

Middle School had taken it's tole on me and was even more depressed than before.

My sketch book was taken from me, SOME of my friends were being absolute assholes, and I was just done with life.

And one day, I was in the bathroom in the middle of the night staring in the mirror, and a voice popped up in my head.

It said I can help you.

The voice stopped me from stabbing myself with a knife. I'm not even joking.

I talked back. It made me feel wanted.

I spent countless nights in the bathroom staring in the mirror. Talking to something/someone that didn't even exist.

But when I was complimented, all I heard was lies.

The voice said They are not worth your time and attention. They are lieing to you. I'm the one you should trust.

And I believed it, and still do. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't but I was lied to my whole life so it's hard not to believe it.

When I went to school the smiling hurt me more and how I looked at myself.

The voice was saying You're lieing. You're such a disappointment. You should show them how angry and hurt you are.

But I replied with hiding everything.

My appetite dropped and people encouraged me to eat more but I just couldn't.

I wouldn't let me.

Even though it was painful the pain some how felt good.

But I wanted the voice to stay.

That voice made the lonliness feel like content, even though my mind was telling me how I am only torturing myself by listening.

It was like falling underwater and not being able to escape, and where no one could hear your cries for help and need.

Through all this I just smiled.

The voice made me obligated to become perfect, and still is putting me through undescribable pain.

But the pain is what kept me satisfied. The pain is what kept me alive.

And the only thing that was and still is in my mind;

This will make me better. This will fix me.

But I knew it was a lie. But the lie was branded into me, It was like an unkept promise digging its nails into my skin. You just can't decide what you should do about it, so you continue.

And the voice keeps telling me If you stop now with so much progress, everything will go back the way it was.

Then I reached the point of total lonliness. But as I said, the lonliness felt like satisfaction.

It is an addiction that STILL can't quit. I felt this would all bounce back into happiness.

Then that's when my brother was beat really bad.

The voice lectured me This is all YOUR fault. You are so stupid and inconsiderate. You never should have been here. You never should have existed.

I still kept it to myself. I went to school and acted normal, but somebody managed to get a few tears out of me, so they know some stuff about this incident.

The voice came back louder than ever. I started getting bad head-aches and stomach-aches, causing me to sit out in some classes.

Up to today, I still have this voice, and I feel even worse than how I felt back then.