Walking Backward

Have you ever felt like you were walking backward? Like you're in slow motion, going the wrong way and watching everyone else speed ahead of you in tandem, moving ahead in a game you don't know how to play? A game you don't really want to play?

Let me rephrase it.

Have you ever seen a couple holding hands in the school hallways, swinging their arms in wide arches and nearly hitting people in the face in their oblivious, hand-holding joy? Have you ever seen a person step up onto their tip-toes to kiss their partner or look deeply into their baby-blue or warm brown or beautifully-seafoam-and-emerald-with-a-hint-of-topaz eyes?

Have you ever heard your 'bro' talking about women with the foul tongue he, apparently, could do wonders with? Have you ever listened to your best friend squeal about the night before, about ecstasy that would be forgotten the next day with a new bout of boy or girl troubles? Have you parents ever shielded your young and troubled eyes when faced with a cliche sex scene where the female was so 'sexed-out' she could do nothing but sing the trope-like heroin's praises to the high heavens?

Have you ever seen a curvaceous woman and thought, 'Wow, she's pretty.' and then heard someone says, "Damn, I'd tap the shit out of that," and just sort of...?

"I mean yeah, I guess she's hot?" Ryan said, looking up and down the body of the woman on the poster with a slightly curled lip.

"What do you mean you guess?" Corey hissed, bumping his shoulder roughly, "She's a babe."

"God," Brian moaned, "What I wouldn't give to have her tie me up," He sucked in a breath and licked his lips.

Ryan frowned, immediately imagining the woman without her one-piece lifeguard swimsuit, her heavy breasts bouncing and her red lips parted to let out heavy sighs as she bounced on...Ryan recoiled.

He looked around, his ears blocking out the sound of his friends' conversation about fantasies surrounding the model and he felt confusion well up in his chest.

She was pretty. Gorgeous, even. She had long blonde hair that flowed to her waist like a waterfall of pure sunshine and her eyes sparkled like amber under the light. Her lips were plump and full with deep red lipstick that was covered with a sparkly sheen of lip gloss and he understood that she was every person's dream woman.

She was hot. End of story. He got that.

Ryan wasn't blind, he could appreciate that her body was 'ideal' and that her boobs and ass were...satisfactory...but he just didn't see the appeal that his friends did.

He swallowed down a lump of anxiety.

Why couldn't he...? He looked down at his lap, missing the tent his friends were harboring in their own. Was something in him...broken?

Have you ever been stressed at the thought of, one day, feeling obligated to grant your partner sexual consent? Have you ever felt like you had to keep quiet when faced with the sexualization of everything in today's' society? Have you ever felt hands on your waist and teeth on your ear and...

"Ah...wait," She whispered, her hands halting his as they started to roam up her shirt.

Adam pulled back, looking at her from under heavy-lidded eyes, "What's wrong?"

She took a step back, looking down apprehensively.

He moved his hands to her shoulders, "What's wrong, don't you want to...?"

"I-" I do. She caught herself. She didn't. She took a deep breath, "I dont...really."

"Oh," His face dropped and he looked away, pulling a hand through his hair.

"It isn't-It isn't because of you," She rushed to say, "I mean, I love you and if I were to do it with anyone it would be you but, uhm,"

Adam was looking at her with a mix of hurt and confusion, "But..?"

"Sit," she said, rubbing her palms on the front of her jeans, "It'll only take a minute to explain but I really want you to understand, so ask questions, yeah?"

He sat down hesitatingly, "Okay? So?"

She took a deep breath, "I'm asexual."

He leaned forward and focused his attention on her. Her heart swelled at the effort. "I don't understand is that, like, gay...?"

"No," she shook her head quickly, "Not at all--here, let me explain..."

~

a : not involving, involved with, or relating to sex : devoid of sex: an asexual relationship

b : not having sexual feelings toward others : not experiencing sexual desire or attraction 

In general, an asexual person does not feel or otherwise experience any sexual attraction, according to The Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN). Basically, it is an inborn absence of sexual desire.—Lindsay E. Mack  

~

1 in 100 people are asexual