Twenty-six years ago this April, the Masked Marauder threatened a bank teller to “hand over the money or else.” An emergency alarm was sounded, and the Marauder nearly put a hole through Frank Miller, husband and father of three.
“I remember being scared out of my mind,” recalls Miller. “He reached for his gun and I thought I could see my life flash before my eyes. But then I realized, I really did see a flash.”
That flash stripped the Marauder of his weapon and smashed him into the wall on the opposite end of the bank. Miller stood in disbelief as a towering individual in tight blue spandex turned to him and smiled.
“I’ll never forget the look on his face. It was like… like everything was gonna be all right.”
And for the next two and a half decades, Astro Man, who died this week due to complications of supervillainy at an undeterminable age, watched over the people of Gothopolis. There was a spike in crime following his arrival, but no one seemed to notice or care. Besides the Masked Marauder, Astro Man encountered a number of rogues over the course of his career including Mr. Mischief, the Pistole Twins, and his arch-enemy, Doctor Destruction. One citizen remembers her encounter with the super man from the stars.
“I remember it was… May of 1993. I had just gotten my first car. I was driving down Delaney Street when Astro Man came hurdling towards my car,” claims Alex Drummond. “I slam on the brakes but still he smashes my front window. I get out and start yelling at him, forgetting for a second who he was. Well anyway, he looks over at me and says ‘sorry Miss, I promise I’ll pay for it, just as soon as I make that giant robot pay!’ Sure enough, he kicked the crap out of that thing and offered two thousand dollars for repairs. I never got the money, but it wasn’t his fault, always busy doing good and all. What a great guy!”
Astro Man fought approximately two hundred and sixty major super battles over the course of his crime-fighting career. And that excludes hundreds of skirmishes with street thugs. But it was his philanthropy that won the public’s heart. He donated much of the retrieved loot to St. Walker’s Hospital. St. Walker’s plans to rename its children’s wing in his honor. Hospital President Clark Stark could not be reached for comment, having mysteriously vanished after running out of a board meeting during Doctor Destruction’s rampage.
His untimely end at the hands Doctor Destruction’s Destructo Disk this week signals a shift in the prevailing superhero ideology. Fewer and fewer criminals are committing the traditional bank heist, instead preferring the glory and glamour of mass homicide. Public opinion polls suggested Astro Man kill his antagonists, something the intergalactic man of mystery refused outright during a press conference two months ago, claiming a “moral code” that required “complete obedience” and “a two million dollar investment into St. Walker’s Hospital.” The mayor was more than happy to oblige.
Though critical of that decision, The Extinguisher, a lethal vigilante, had this to say on the passing: “Astro Man was a symbol of truth and justice in our society. In his honor, I will hunt down Doctor Destruction, mutilate his vital organs, and f***ing rape his corpse.”
Astro Man is survived by his dog, Astro Mutt.
