Before tonight, I have struggled to find my fit in the world and with the people that continuously surround me. In fact, it has almost been so irritating that I have made a habit of cutting my hair so ridiculously short that my church thinks I am a maniac, and my father believes that I am a lesbian. On top of these occurrences that almost infuriate me, I have pierced my ears and my nose too many times, oh, and did I mention my new tattoo? Yes, people, I am crawling out of hell as I speak.
To society, these things do not really matter. However, growing up in a Christian and conservative household is something that my father says, "You should hold onto these beliefs and values for the rest of your life because that's what Jesus wants." Well, nothing against Jesus or anything, but I really just feel different. It is not that I look in the mirror and say, "Screw you, screw church, screw this bubble we call Christianity." No. I look in the mirror, and I struggle to find what everyone wants me to be. My father wanted me to be athletic and a daddy's girl. My mother wanted me to be somewhat of a play-it-safe girl. My grandmother wanted me to be a WWJD girl. Yet, here I am. I am so far from any of those. Like I said, nothing against Jesus or anything, but something has always been off.
So to bring it back to the awfully rebellious things I have done with my life, I have done many that are frowned upon by the Christians. I say this almost sarcastically because I claim to be a Christian. I just find myself thinking differently than those that sit in church and read in between the lines just to call out someone they dislike. What I am trying to say is, I don't believe you should turn down a friendship because the other person has tattoos or identifies as gay. I don't think it should matter how you dress when you walk into church, as long as you are wearing the best you have. I don't think the Bible should be shoved down a non-believers throat. I don't believe that at all. In fact, I find it hard to take people seriously when they look at my physical appearance and believe that it isn't what God wants. Shouldn't God take me how I am? Shouldn't God take me as the mess that I am and teach me how to clean up properly? Sure He should. So why the hell are you looking at me as if my existence is messing with your religion?
Like I said in the beginning, before getting so terribly distracted, I have struggled finding my place. I sat down tonight in a corner and started to cry. Please don't feel sorry for me. My parents already do. No, but all jokes aside, I was crying because I felt alone. I have this fear that I will go through my entire existence without having someone that I can be completely honest with. I fear that I will always be surrounded by people but always feel lonely. Ugh. So cliché, right? But honestly, it's the truth. I suppose we all have to go through those totally alone moments just to realize we aren't truly alone, and eventually we will find a community that loves and supports us. I think I have found my community, and it might make my church pray for me a little harder.
I think I'm bi.
Whoah, that got deep pretty fast, right? Like I was just ranting about Christians, and what do you know? I'm coming out on WattPad. Out of all places! That's okay. This will have to do for now.
Anyways...
This is something that I have had in the back of my mind for a while now. When I was younger, of course I was taught that there was only way to love: heterosexually.
And quite honestly, it always scared me to think, "What if some day I like girls? My whole family would hate me!" But once that thought was in my head for about five minutes, it would vanish just like that, and I was back to hardcore only liking boys. But one experience in high school changed the game for, well, good. It was actually the same experience that made my father and mother ask, "Do you like girls?" And now that I'm thinking about it, I should've just said, "Yes" when I had the chance. Even though I said no, in that moment when they were curious, so was I. And deep down, the yes was screaming for fresh air.
Although my experience in high school wasn't physical, I felt an emotional connection that I wish I didn't ruin. Because I didn't know myself and didn't want to face the parents, I ruined whatever I could've had and stayed confused until now. That was two years ago.
As I sit in my room at 10:00, I feel a sense of liberation. I feel a burden lifted from my shoulders. The funny thing is that I haven't told anyone, I'm not quite sure if I'm actually feeling the legitimate sensations of bisexuality, whatever that even means. I've always asked the question, but I never made the statement. I think that's what makes such a difference. Before I end this truthfully terrifying tale, I would like to give a little more background to my story. You can continue reading if you want, if not, I completely understand. My life is somewhat boring and not a movie. I believe myself to be an over-exaggerator though, so I might actually be interesting after all, even if I'm slightly stretching the truth. If you do choose to stop here, I would like to thank you for reading. This has been a pleasure to write, and I wish I would've written it sooner. You are a beautiful person inside and out. This world needs all the unique and creative individuals it can get to continue flourishing.
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Now for the juice.
My parents got divorced when I was in kindergarten, and guess who always brought it up to friends just so they could get attention? ME! Yes, I know, sly child. However, I felt like my parents didn't love me enough to stay together, so I resorted to any other love I could get. I never felt comfortable with my height and weight. I was the tallest girl in my class until eighth grade when I changed schools. Of course, tall just means more weight, and that just sucks for small children as they don't understand health and growth. I think it is fairly safe to say that my depressive stage started just around eighth grade as I was going to a Christian school that I hated just as much as the last. In fact, I played sick almost every week just so I could go home and get away from that place. Yes, I know, sly child. I had a slight relationship hiccup, if you would even call it that. This boy and I liked each other. We held hands under the desk, and he would look at me as if he loved me. He called me babe, and I just adored him. He still makes it into my dreams, handsome daredevil. Anyway, that ended badly when his father forbade us to talk again. Jesus was strong with this family. I switched schools. Bless the heavens.
I now went to a public school where I had my first official boyfriend. DO NOT DATE IN HIGH SCHOOL, KIDS. Long story short, I loved him, and he loved me. However, he abused my space. I don't hate him, in fact, I have learned half of Life's lessons because of him. I just very much dislike him. He sucks. Boys suck.
In high school, I never found MY group. You know you'll never be good at high school when you sit by yourself in a filled cafeteria. It's not that I didn't try to make friends, friends just never stuck. Don't get me wrong, I had some good moments in high school. I'm happy for the experience. I just disliked every fake face in the hallways. However, a few people pulled through for me. My battle with depression started to fade my junior year in high school. As I'm typing this, I can gladly say that I am no longer depressed. Sure, I have my bad days. Sometimes I have really bad days, but at the end of it all, I feel happy.
To sum up current situations, my father and I do not get along. I barely speak to him, and spending time with him isn't my favorite thing to do in the world. I am a "disappointment" to him for getting a tattoo. And he's not a fan of the piercings, but I'm doing me. I'm happy with who I am. I realize that these situations will always pop up in life, and that's just how it is. But the nice thing about it is, I can look at myself and be proud of who I am. I'm proud that I have gone through all of this. I am proud that I may not have friends and that my mother is my best friend. I am proud that my hair is short, and I like piercings. I'm proud that I can be unique. I have always felt my best surrounded by people who have stood their ground regardless of who may laugh at them or who may disapprove. I only aspire to be like them. I aspire to be myself. I aspire to be proud, and I think this is the first step toward success.
Be proud. Be yourself. It's too enjoyable not to be.
