Dear Dawson

Dear Dawson-17

  June 9

Dear Dawson, I feel like.....

I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not sure how to describe this feeling deep inside me. It feels really terrible, I know that.

It's almost like I've given up, like I don't even care at all anymore.

It's almost like I'm moving and talking and walking and, well, living my life yet I'm not at the same time. It's like someone else is in control of my body.

I just want someone to tell me it's okay, that storms pass and this feeling will too. No one is doing that, though, especially not you.

Conner keeps attempting to get a close relationship with me, maybe too close, but I kept pushing him away. I don't know why. I guess I'm just afraid.

It feels like I'm always afraid.

Afraid to get too close to anyone, afraid to get hurt, afraid to lose someone I care about, afraid of love.

What the heck am I not afraid of at this point? I feel like such a coward.

I wonder if anyone will ever see the tear stains on this paper. Probably not. Even if they do, I don't think they'll care too much- if at all- or maybe they won't even know me. Maybe they just mysteriously found these papers somewhere. I don't know how or where but maybe. I hope no one finds them to be honest.

I've never liked talking about feelings or even having them, as you are quite aware of, so this just seems really embarrassing and cringey to me.

I don't cry much.

Is that why I'm crying so much right now? Because I never cry?

Maybe I needed to finally release everything. Yeah, maybe.

I'm tired of feeling alone yet I know it's my own fault. I push people away. No one else did that except me. It's my fault I have no one. It's all my fault.

You always used to say I beat myself up too much, and Conner said that too. Maybe I do in your eyes, but I think that the blame is due.

I am so tired of being tired.

How should I fix that, Dawson?

Love,
Kindley.

Authors note:  See all the rhyming I snuck into this chapter? It wasn't intentional, but I noticed when I was reading over it and thought it was pretty funny. Did you notice it too?

Most of them weren't that noticeable to be honest, but whatever. I noticed.

Anyways, I wanted to ask you (the person who stumbled upon this and didn't immediately click away for some weird reason) if there is any advice you have for me in my writing. Any errors you've noticed or something I could improve on? Please feel free to say it. I won't be hurt.

I recently went to a summer camp where I took a literature class. It was a great experience, not that you care.

Also, my birthday is tomorrow and I'm kind of excited.

Okay, bye, thanks for reading.

-xkarlinx