Thanks For Saving Me

Cris's Story

TRIGGER WARNING....READ WITH CAUTION AT YOUR OWN DESIRE YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

Hi okay, so this is kinda personal to write cuz I've only told like five people about this before and only because I knew how they'd react....so uh no hate please....uhm if you ever wanna talk I'm always here....ill leave my social media stuff at the bottom of this thing...and uh comment if you like I'll try to reply to all of them, but if they're rude or hate I will delete/ignore you.

I know some of you have been through somethings like these too...so just stay strong and please hold on it gets better....I promise it will....I may sound like a hypocrite after reading this but I am trying to get better so please just hold on a bit longer....I promise...everything will be okay in the end.

Okay....I'm gonna write this thing now uh....no hate again please and if you guys hate I may delete this and if I start to get hate on my social media I will block you or if it gets too much I will delete my social media accounts. I really don't want to do that so please just be kind to everyone....not even just me....if people leave a personal comment, don't judge....if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything! Thank you!

~Cris

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Okay, so when I was in grade six...I lost my best friend who I had been very close with since junior kindergarten. She ditched me so she could be best friends with my cousin.

Now, there's this bully at my school, {for the purpose of this thing I am going to call her Anna, this is NOT her real name tho}, and she started bullying me in grade one.

One day at lunch we were all sitting at the table the teacher assigned us to and when my few friends, that were sitting with us, got up to throw garbage or whatever, she moved over to me and told me that she will take away all my friends and I don't deserve them. I started crying like any other six-year-old would've and as a reaction our teacher came over.

I told the teacher what Anna had said to me and Anna overheard mine and the teacher's conversation and butted in saying that she never said these things and that I was making it up. The teacher didn't know who to believe so she made us both apologies and we did.

Anna never stopped bullying me until I moved schools for high school and we were separated. She bullied me for 8 years straight and I hated it.

To make it worse, we were put in the same class almost every year. Every year, I would loose a friend or two, sometimes because of Anna and other times because they either got bored with me or simply didn't want to be my friend anymore.

I only had one best friend until grade four. {for the purpose of this I will call this girl Melissa, this is NOT her real name tho} Melissa started to ditched me for Anna and this other bully {for this I will call her Julia, this is NOT her real name tho}, Julia, and I finally found a real best friend, Jessie (her real name).

Now, Jessie and I are still really close to this day even though we go to different high schools.

Now, grade seven started. In grade seven I became depressed on and off and started eating less. I didn't think much of it at the time because I knew that sometimes appetites change and stuff so it didn't dawn on me that something might be wrong.

Then I started cutting somewhere between grade seven and eight. I finally got to grade eight still doing all these things. I got sick and had to be in the hospital in April, right after I had seen Marianas Trench for the first time which was one of the best days of my life. I had met Mike and Matt, Matt had hugged me, and I was on the Beside You fan video thing.

So anyways, I got sick and went to the hospital. Now, because I was sick I wasn't eating much, which was alright with the doctors because of how sick I was they understood I couldn't hold down food. But because of this lack of eating, I lost about ten pounds.

Now, I've always hated my body and the way I look. Personally, I think I'm an ugly piece of shit. But I dealt with it until this point.

I got home a week later and when I looked in the mirror I could see my collar bone, my arms were skinnier that usual, and so was my stomach and legs. I smiled at this sight. I've always wanted to be one of those gorgeous skinny girls, but I'm too fat to be so this sight made me happy.

Since then, I've became vegetarian, and I eat a lot less. Everyone notices but I just say I'm not hungry. I've gone some days with just drinking and maybe some fruit of a small piece of low-fat cheese.

I started throwing up sometimes after eating too. I realized that I had an eating disorder. I didn't say anything to my family and I still haven't and I don't plan on it either.

I still don't eat much but I've had some binge days and I really hate myself on those days. I still cut but a bit less because one time I did it really deep and had to bandage it and my mom caught me so I told her I had cut it on a book cover.

I made some very good friends in high school so I told them about this because some have gone through these problems too. They've told me to stop but I can't.

I need to loose 30 pounds to be happy. My current weight is around 110-115 but I need to be under 95 pounds to be happy.

I wanna see my bones. It's a sickness but I feel like I hate myself enough without looking at my body.

I'm in a wheelchair and I have SMA. (Please don't ask me what it is please just search it. I'm sorry I just hate talking about it.)

I also have vertigo like Josh. When I found out he'd been through all this and more than I have, I listened to Fix Me (album) and I swear, Marianas Trench and Josh Ramsay are the only things that keep me here. If it weren't for them, I don't know what would happen to me.

I have anxiety too. Just thought I should throw that in there.

I hope I covered my entire life story for you all. If you have any questions, not related to SMA please, feel free to ask me them. My contact info is down here so thank you for reading my rant.

Uhhhh...I just wanna mention this so it doesn't make me look like as big of a hypocrite....I AM NOW 5 MONTHS CLEAN OF CUTTING SO YA OKAY...

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Okay so contact info.....

Twitter: @JoshRamsaysgirl (please dm me)

Instagram: @cantresist_jrams (please dm me)

Kik: cantresist_jrams (I don't go on kik too often so please be patient if you contact me there)

Pm me on here. Just say that you want to talk to Cris and I will answer you for sure!

Uh...I also have snapchat it's cris_rams so feel free to snap me as well.

Thank you all! And remember no hate comments thank you! Bye!

~Cris