Her Name Was Marty (Niall Horan)

vii

previously...

“Looks like our cover won’t be blown just yet.” He tells me with a smile. “That’s a good thing, right?” I nod, “I don’t know about you, but I really enjoy spending all this time with you.”

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vii:

She was falling, she could sense that much. Even with surroundings so black that her eyes couldn’t adjust. The wind whistling past her ears sending a chill down her spine told her how fast she was falling. But her stomach dropped to her thighs and her mouth was open wide, wanting to scream, but couldn’t. Because the wind had taken her voice, it was travelling above her, falling too slowly to allow her to scream as she plummeted to somewhere, somewhere she couldn’t see.

She felt her arm twitch beside her, sending the domino effect through her body as if it had shaken itself back to life, and it had.

“Marty?” Niall was the first thing I saw, leaning over my body, checking if I was okay, he had a glass of water in his hand, that was shaking steadily, but then I realised that was because my hand gripped onto his elbow, I was shaking.

“Are you alright?” He asks me, and I’m not sure how to answer, so I do the only thing that seems natural, I yank his elbow, his body moving around me and my arms are around his waist, hugging him. I don’t care that Niall’s glass of water has spilt over the two of us, because when Niall’s arms tighten around me, finally understanding that I need him close to be okay, I feel safe.

I feel safe as he draws circles on my back, their never ending line and curve somehow reminds me that life won’t stop for me. I need to keep going, I’ve survived this far.

“Did you have a bad dream?” He asks me after the silence that had lulled me into thinking time had stopped.

“I was falling.” I tell him, just as he always brings the truth out of me. Instead of laughing telling him that nightmares are for children, I want to tell him that I had the nightmare that scares adults so that they feel seven years old again. “It sounds stupid, but just falling into nothing felt like everything had collapsed into ash.”

Sarah Kay said, ‘getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.’ That’s what it felt like.

I’m not sure how long we sat there again, Niall only half-resting on the bed, stroking my hair and my back and shushing me as a sob overtook my body like fire.

When he pulls away, it’s to take out his phone, typing with one hand as the other hand plays with the ringlets in my red hair.

“Dreams of falling often mean you feel you’ve lost grip of your life, that it’s all out of place and you can’t pull yourself back together, or that you’re finally giving into a desire or impulse.”

Well I guess it’s a little bit of both then.

“So?” He prompts me.

“Well I think it’s easy to see how I’ve got the dreams.” I answer. “Life has literally spun out of control for me, I lost everything and there was nothing I could do about it.”

“No secret desires you haven’t been telling me about?” He jokes, but when I don’t laugh, he asks “Right?” to clarify my answer. But how can I lie to him? Not once have I lied to Niall, I can’t tell him that maybe the dream is telling me to give in.

Sarah Kay also said: ‘You’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house, so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place, to see if you can change him.’

I want to have Niall for myself, whether to change him or to save him I don’t mind.

“Lately… I- I don’t know Niall. I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell you, do you want me to confess everything to you, just like I always do? Or do you want me to lie?” I stumble and stutter over my words, because I’ve never done this before. I’ve never had to tell someone how I feel, I’ve never felt this raw feeling before, liking him so much that I’d do anything to have him. “What do you want me to do?”

“It’s not just me is it?” He asks me, the fear of rejection is brimming in his eyes and I want to scream that it’s not, but I’m lost for words. He’s finally saying everything that I’ve been hoping for, but once we take this step, once we have this conversation, we can’t go back to the way it was before, and I’m afraidof losing him.  “Marty please, tell me it’s not just me.” He stops “Wait- you don’t need to answer because I know you feel it too. And whatever this ‘it’ is, I want you to know I like it.” I still can’t say a word, finding these words that he says far too scary to be the words that I have been waiting for him to say.

Today I dreamt of falling, but what about tomorrow? I’ve lost all balance of life, my life tumbles away from me and I wish I could be six years old again and my mum could bandage my knees and tell me that I’ll never fall again if I’m strong for her.

I’m not strong. I’ll never be strong again.

“I’m scared.” I tell him, because I can’t find any words to say except the truth. It’s just like always, he only needs to look at me with big eyes and open arms and I can fall into them telling him my deepest thoughts and fears. “I have a habit of ruining things.”

“We can break the habit.”

His hand moved towards my face, fingers stroking across my face as he watched for a reaction off me.

Today I dreamt of falling, but what about tomorrow? Tomorrow I’ll try, just for you, to fly.

I leant closer towards him, our noses bumped and a shiver of anticipation ran through me. I was going to do it, in a few seconds I’d be kissing Niall Horan.

I raised my hand, my fingers moving to the back of his head, giving him a little push, just to silently tell him that I was okay, for him.

But for some reason, fate is never, ever on our side.

A vibrating phone caught both of our attention, looking to the left at the phone, which was dancing on the bedside table.

In a rush of anger, I grabbed the phone that wasn’t mine, and answered it.

“Hello?” In irritation, I checked the caller ID to see who had called Niall in our most intimate moment so far, if this inconsiderate person had left their phone call, we would’ve kissed.

“Hello?” A voice echoed, and even if I hadn’t checked the caller ID, I easily could’ve guessed who had called Niall, because life is that ironic. “It’s Jessica- now who are you?”

- - -

looks like there's some drama ahead! 

i'm sorry that this chapter is so short, but it had to end there for the cliffhanger, and if you spam me with love, i'll try and update later today ;)

this chapter is dedicated to @munchkinn, Ellen my munchkin, thank you so much, if it weren't for your patience in listening to me empty my brain into texts to you, this chapter wouldn't have happened for some time. 

on the side is a spoken word poem by sarah kay, which i quoted in this chapter twice, and it's literally the best thing in the world so if you listen to it you won't regret it because it moves me in so many ways. 

also, if the chapter seemed a bit long with lot's of different ideas into the sentance, that was also because i listened to some spoken word ((or slam)) poetry whilst writing this and the chapter started sounding all spoken word-y, so i apologise for that. i think i need to go away and write a slam poem about falling now . . .

byeee!