You

No...

" No not him" I screamed out while slamming the  front door
" SHIT"
" it's okay shay just breath you'll be okay, it was probably nothing" I laughed out
"How do I even know what's going on I've never been in love, I'm not capable of feeling love, I won't  allow myself not after mom" I cried so quietly not even a mouse can you hear me.
I didn't realize how long I was cry for until my alarm started go off.
"Fuck I'm going to be late if I don't leave now" I said rolling my eyes.
I grabbed my bag and shoe and ran out the door.
Almost two hours of driving I finally go to work luckily I wasn't late. After I walked through the back door I went to the dressing room, went to my mirror and started to fix me hair and makeup and got dressed.
"Shay, baby you're up next" the boss man said to me.
When I looked back in the mirror I didn't see myself, I saw a girl with long dyed blond hair curled at the ends with a blue bow, light pink lips that were bigger then they should be because I was chewing on then and little black lacy bra that cupped my breast nicely with a matching G-string and 6 inch blue stilettos. 
I sighed and made my way to the stage, when I got up there I blocked everything but the music out and let myself go like I have been doing for a year and a half now.  When the music stops I look up in the crowd and see him sit there with a blank expression on his face, oh god I thought and looked a around  slowly making my when back to the dressing room grabbed my bag not bothering to change and ran to my car, put in reverse, backed up and drove away.
I didn't realize I had be crying until I was home and it didn't stop there.
  I stripped off the garments I had on and took a shower to wash of all the filth I felt for working in a place like that and went to bed still crying until I fall asleep.