All The Pretty Things We Could Be [Satzu One Shots]

It's 3 am I'm writing about us again

Dear, Sana

It's two am here. It's three am there. I know. I know because I never adjusted my watch. The time stayed at your timezone. Like how my heart stayed with yours.

I imagine you crouched in front of your study table, your Harry Potter specs perched on your nose, your eyebrows are creased in concentration to another english book. I imagine you reaching for a cup of coffee that had gone cold. A cup of coffee that tastes weird because I wasn't the one who brewed it. I imagine you slipping beneath the covers and looking over to my side of the bed. I imagine you sighing and looking out the window and thinking about me at 3 am. 3 am, you said, is a time for regrets and what ifs. And I  was your greatest one.

You stole my clothes often, insisting they were comfy and smells like me. I would always argue that I smell like me so what do you need my clothes for when you have. You would never stop tho. We even borrow each other's coffee mugs. You know, the one you broke because you were so clumsy as usual. We fight on what movies to watch because I'm the type to find romance even in creepy mystery thriller movies while you can do a Disney marathon all day. We would ride the van going to our schedule for the day and we would always sit next to each other. You would pull my earphone out and stuff it in your ear with the reason that we listen to the same songs (and something about energy conservation). We shared secrets, about something, anything and everything. (we argued that something and anything was not the same thing) But, I kept one secret with me, that I'm in love with you.

You had no idea, right? Not until I told you. I remember you asking since when. And I remembered fumbling for an answer. It's not that I'm not sure. It's just that I've been in love with you for the longest time that I don't know for sure when and how it started. I just know that I'm in love with you and I'm doing it every single day.

Maybe when I first caught a glimpse of you when you walked into the JYPE studio and introduced yourself. Maybe it was the first time I met those gorgeous eyes that everyone falls for. Maybe it was the way you smile while doing anything. Maybe it was the way you always look happy performing. Maybe it was the first time I saw you during our dance practice. Maybe it was when an instructor caught me eating and you told me to pretend like we don't understand what they're saying. Maybe it was when I first saw you when you dyed your hair in rainbow locks. You regretted it but I kept telling you how much you look good with it.

Maybe it was when we first found out that we're going to be on sixteen together. We're going against each other but the chance that we're going to debut together outweigh everything else that we jumped together on the bed with Momo and Mina. Maybe it was during our first mission in sixteen. Remember when Jinyoung PD-nim asked us contestants "why are you a star?" and you did the most "Sana" thing ever. You put on a cooking show and even said sorry to PD-nim for not using organic ingredients. I sat there quietly but i was the proudest when he complimented you. It's like you knew that the reason he chose you was because you're Sana. and no one can do what you do so you kept doing you.

Remember when we were sorted into the minor group and sat together in the stinky van. Our dorm sucks and our beds were hard but you were rooming with me and it was fine because I'm with you. Everything was always okay when I'm with you.

Remember when I lost to Nayeon unnie during the mission? I was sulking with Minjoong and you entered the room with a watermelon shake because you knew how much I love those. You didn't say anything. You sat next to me. You put your arms around my shoulders and gently leaned my head on your shoulders and then you covered my eyes.

"what are you doing?" I whispered.

"it's okay tzuyu-ah. You did great. One day you're going to prove them all wrong. You're not just a pretty face Chou Tzuyu. You always did your best. And sooner or later they're going to recognize your effort. Now, be good and let me take care of you, ne?" You whispered back and I felt your lips on the top of my head. You always knew what to say to make me feel better. You never fail to make me smile.

Unnie, how did you not know? I never cry in front of anyone except my mom but I did with you. I never cry for people because I knew they came and went for a reason but I cried when I left you.

Everytime you would say "tzuyu-ah saranghae" I feel like my heart would destroy my ribcage just so it could be in your hands and belong to you. Oh lord, I hated how much hold you have over me.

When we have choreographies that I would have direct skinship with you or even eye contact, I can't focus on myself because I always find myself focusing on you. My world was nothing but centered on you. you were the gravity that held it together and you were the comet that ended it.

I have no idea why it's you. Why out of 8 members, it was you from the start. Why out of 7 billion, it was still you. Why thousands of miles away from you, my heart will always stay with you.

I love the way you wake up in the morning, when you rub your eyes sleepily and mumble with your eyes closed before hitting your head on the door or the wall. It's cute but dangerous. You should tell Dahyunie to make you breakfast in bed instead. I love the way you always look good in ripped jeans. Tell Dahyunie not to get jealous when she finds Once saying how good you looked because you look stunning. I love the way you dance silly to any song and how you always manage to pull it off with your sexiness or cuteness. Dahyunie is really lucky huh. I love your  singing voice and your narration in sleep tight, goodnight. No matter how cheesy it is. Anyone would be so lucky to fall asleep next to you every night to hear that. Dahyunie should never take that for granted. I love the way you look at me. Your eyes always talk, it never fails to make me feel special. Maybe it was just you. I love you. I was too young. But maybe, I know that was how love was supposed to look like. And God, maybe I know that love, for me, is always going to look like you.

How is that I never told you before? Because I was always a second, a minute too late. I was 16 you were 18 and there came Mark. I was 18 and you were 20 there came Dahyun. It doesn't matter what age we are. I could be 20 now and you could be 22 and another person gets to hold you the way that I never could. Another person that gets to show you off to the world the way that I never could. There's one thing another person couldn't do more than me tho. And that is to love you in a way that no person could ever do. Without you but still in love with you.

You asked me before I left for Taiwan, why now? Because why not now? It has been what? Six? Seven? Eight years? I waited long enough, don't you think? I know you love her. I know how happy you are with her. I know that when it comes down to it, you're gonna choose her. But, I wanted to tell you, the first and last time. You deserve to know because I feel like I'm lying to you when you know every part of me but didn't know that a huge part of me was in love with you— is still in love with you.

I don't deserve you. Never did. Never will. I just don't want to wander around with what ifs 30 years from now and thinking what would've happened if I told her, even if it was just once. But, you said nothing. I told you I love you and you said nothing.

How could you not know? Because, all these people, including Once. They took one look at me. They took one look at how I look at you and they can tell "hey Tzuyu is in love with Sana". I don't get it. What is in me that those people can see but you couldn't? You look at me everyday, how had you not seen that coming? How had you not seen me?

It doesn't matter now, right? You're happy with her. You're happy without me. You're living a life, a world where I don't even matter. What change would my feelings or worthless three little words do? Nothing. Nothing. That's all I ever get from you. These petty feelings? I took me years of hiding. Those worthless three little words? It took me years before I get to utter them. And what do I get? Nothing.

It's three am now and you're probably asleep while here I am, writing a letter I wouldn't even send. I just want to tell you that it takes everything in me not to call you. On drunken nights, I shut off my phone and hide it because I'm scared to dial your number and mutter all the remaining I love yous that died on my lips. I stared at your contact no. earlier, debating whether or not to call you to greet you with your latest success. I almost did but, I didn't. Saying I love you and getting nothing is something. But, risking a Hello for another goodbye is another thing. I remember that one time we argued about the difference between anything and something. You were my something but I was just your anything.

Signed,
Tzuyu