Zero Alignment

My start

 I don't really know when it started. Maybe it was in third grade, when I had my first kiss at truth or dare with a girl. Or sixth grade when suddenly all the chicks were out of my league. Or seventh, even, when I had three different girls ask me out.

 Actually, I think it was because of that. I mean they were all nice, and all my friends. But they helped me come to this conclusion.

Denise, girl one, was merely an acquaintance. She was a little...off. No one really wanted to talk to her because she was kinda creepy (not to mention a bit of a pervert). She would always try to drastically change her appearance for attention. Like the time she shaved off her eyebrows the day before picture day, and just as they were growing back in she shaved the off again. Or the time when she cut off her three feet of hair and gave herself a pageboy cut. She then proceeded to bleach and dye this hair (and most of her face) a very...vibrant shade of blue. So, yeah. Naturally I rejected her.

 And then there was girl number two. Janis. Another crazy white girl, but she was better than Denise. She was also my neighbor. So, yeah, that was extremely awkward. She stopped riding the bus because after I rejected her we couldn't hang out. No joke, her exact words were, "I'm sorry but if you don't want to date me then we can't be friends." Then again, she also got a new boyfriend and lost her virginity at the age of thirteen within a week, so I wasn't too worried.

 Then there was the final girl. Hannah. A member of the Star Squad. Since you don't know me or my school, let me explain. The Star Squad comprises of four people: Me (Charlotte) and my three best friends Hannah, Lauren, and Nora. So, yeah. Hannah did have a huge chance. It's just...I didn't want to get into a relationship that would affect the Star Squad (you'll see how this was futile in a moment). Hannah was also kinda the bossy one in the group, but I had known her the longest so I put up with it the best. That's probably why we were such good friends. But, in the end I rejected her.

 So why did I reject these girls? I mean, sure, I had rejected a couple guys. But their rejections weren't as unsettling. Yeah, I know. Gee, Charlotte, maybe it's because you aren't a lesbian? No, that's not it. I had already accepted the fact that I was pansexual (and that does not mean I make out with kitchen utensils). But after one conversation, I knew why.

 I had been chilling with Nora during our third period, band. The class was on a field trip to some place in Georgia for their "good behavior." I had injured myself a week before money was due, and knew I wouldn't be able to go. Nora found out and decided to stay behind to keep me company (yeah, pretty much all my friends are band nerds). We had just been talking about random stuff when she suddenly got serious.

 "Charlotte," she had said. I looked into her blue eyes. "I'm gay."

 I had laughed. It always made me laugh. She was transgender, but she wasn't old enough to legally have surgery, so we were never really sure what her gender was. So coming from her that she's gay, it could mean practically anything.

 "I know that," was my response.

 "And I care for your feelings very much." Okay, wow. This made my heart race. I had no freaking idea why, but it did.

 "Aww, that's so sweet, Nory!"

 "But," she looked away for a second. "I have to tell you something."

 Okay, that was when I started to get a sense of dread. So why not make it a joke, right? "Oh my Gods, you're pregnant?"

 She let a small smile slip. Oh, those soft pink lips contrast nicely against her pale skin. "No."

 I raised my eyebrows. "Then tell me the deets, girl!"

 She chuckled softly, making her boy-short green hair sway lightly. "Well, Lauren and I are dating."

 And that's when it all rammed into me. It felt like I could positively die. My stomach had stopped fluttering and was instead being ripped from every direction. My heart no longer raced, but stopped and clenched. There was a sudden lump in my throat preventing me from breathing. But I had to smile and be happy for her.

 "That's wonderful, Nory!" No, it's not.

 "Thanks for understand, Charlotte." But I don't understand.

"Of course, you're my best friend!" But you feel like so much more.

 And that was when I realized it. I had rejected all those girls for somebody else. It was a subconscious thing, really. Like my heart knew before my brain.

 I had loved Nora.