Solace

a one-shot

This couldn't be sustainable.

How could it, when she felt nothing between them anymore? Come to think of it...Did she ever feel anything between herself and Nikolai in the first place? The more she thought about it, the more she realized that the reason she had gotten together with him in the first place was less about genuine love and more about preserving the family name, about not disappointing her father.

Her father... She has never held any ill will towards him, however nasty he may have been towards her, but she couldn't help but be afraid... How would he react if she were to break it off with her betrothed? How would all of Moscow react?

Even more worrying, she thought with a start... how would they react if they learned she wasn't interested in men at all?

If she was being honest, this was a recent discovery for her. For pretty much all her life, she assumed she would get married to a wonderful man who would provide for her and her family, because that's what all women did, right? Why would she be any different? Deep down, however, she knew that the thought of marriage to a man brought no joy to her; she just wasn't interested. But what would become of her if she was never married off? She'd be seen as plain and insolent, not just by her father, but all of Russian society. This was the thought process that brought her to now; laying in bed next to Nikolai, facing away, trying her best not to make contact with him.

It wasn't that she saw him as a bad man, no. Rather, she always felt...repulsed, in a way, when men sought after her affection. She recalled, with disgust, how Anatole had been a potential candidate for marriage. Clearly, that must have been a decision that the family regretted horribly, after what he did to Andrei and Natasha.

Thinking back to that day; the chaos, seeing the devastation on her brother's face, seeing Natasha so frail, weak, and devastated...and Sonya. On that day, having met with Natasha's family, attempting to help them through all this... She realized just how beautiful she found other women. After having met with Sonya several times after the failed elopement, she was able to disprove a long held belief of hers; she wasn't uninterested in marriage altogether, but she only found the thought of it gratifying if it was with another woman. Not that she was going to rush to the Rostova household right this minute and ask Sonya for her hand, no, but... Searching her feelings and her thoughts, she knew it to be true.

She was in love with this woman.

There was no way around it, and she knew it. Every time that she interacted with Nikolai in any way to make it seem like she was perfectly happy with their relationship, she would think of Sonya there instead; going to balls and family gatherings with her, holding and kissing her, being able to call her her betrothed, God, it seemed so pure and perfect...

But it couldn't work. It was all a fantasy, and she knew that.

There was no way they could be together. Not because of her religion, mind you; unlike many other followers of God she knew, Mary didn't see any form of love between people as "sinful" or "dirty", and the notion of that being the truth confused her. Rather, she knew that Russian society wouldn't be having any of it, let alone her father. Breaking it off with Nikolai would be hard enough, but entering into a loving relationship with Sonya, only to be met with ridicule and hatred, wasn't a pain she was willing to bear. Sonya couldn't ever be her "dirty little secret" that she'd have to hide from society...

No. She was kidding herself. Sonya would never be interested in her, and she knew that. She'd probably be disgusted upon finding out about Mary's feelings for her, anyway, so it's best that she represses her feelings so they can remain friends.

She'd have to deal with Nikolai sometime tomorrow, though. Remaining in a relationship where the attraction is one-sided and unwanted by her wasn't right. Not for her, and especially not for him.