junkie's short stories

My Only One

Why do you wake up every morning?

Why do you pull yourself out of the comfort of your bed and drag your feet to a dead cycle of work and sleep? Why do you skip snacks just to get your work done and leave just when the clock struck 6?

What is your motivation to run under the downpour of rain, without any regards to what will become of you when you reach the shelter?

How much can you give away just for the sake of being with her, making her smile with chocolates and bracelets? Did you ever measured your safety when you bring her to her house in the middle of the night? Why do you keep yourself up if you can just bid her good night and get some rest, so you can do the same routine the next day?

When will you realize that you haven't left anything for yourself? Not even your own breath.

These are the questions I wished I have asked myself, before I was left with nothing.

I thought we were good, even perfect in my personal opinion. When we stand side by side, our chemistry was far better than media grown couples. We were envied, by strangers and acquaintances alike. In my little world, we were the perfect match made in heaven. I thought we were so perfect that we can withstand any kind of hell.

I thought she believed in me. We go out regularly and when I told her that I couldn't last a day without her, I proved it. I proved it with all that I have.

I thought we already had our future laid out in front of us. She shared her thoughts, her plans, her weaknesses, struggles, pain and the remedy to all of it. She would say, "When we get married..." or "In the future..." Maybe this was the future she was talking about. The future that is the end of our story.

I thought that her smiles were pure and honest. So when her tears watched me go loco over the trivial things of our wedding, I had second thoughts. Her smile was there but her eyes were somewhere else even if they're looking at me.

Her ears heard my words, but they were listening to something else. They were listening to the demons and angels arguing inside her head.

I thought that if I held her hand, all her burdens will go away. But her hands gets heavier the more I hold it; the more closer our wedding day comes. They say its a normal thing for future brides so I gave my other hand as well.

I thought she was having tears of joy when she moved out of her parents' house. She was shaking and in panic. It was a hard decision for her, but there's no other option left for her as a bride to be. I calmed her shaking nerves with the tightest and warmest hug I could offer. If I can give her my strength, I would.

I thought she was beautiful. When she closes her eyes and kisses me, I would look at her face, the closest that it could ever be. I would tell myself, "Oh God, thank you for giving me the most wonderful woman in this world" When she would stop and give me confused looks, I would whisper to her ear while I hold the curves of her body, "You're beautiful.".

I thought I could keep her forever. I thought that our marriage was a wonderful chain of love that she would be bragging about. Marriage was the most meaningful bond I have ever signed up to. It is one bond that I would live with forever.

I thought I was the only one. I thought that the past has already left an empty space inside her heart; a space that I can fill up with new memories, new experiences and new feelings. I wanted to own that part; I wanted to be the one inside her heart.

I thought she was happy with who I am, and what I do. How I wake her up with a sweet "Good Morning!" and how I assure her every single day that she's my only one. How I tell her "I love you!" every hour of the day.

Every girl loves that, right?

It turns out that she's not a part of that 'every girl' population that I thought I knew well. She wasn't a part of anything I thought she was. All these years, I knew her. She knew me. But I didn't know that there was more to her. I didn't know that I've been looking at her on a wrong perspective.

All I saw and all I felt was my overflowing love for her. A kind of love that overshadowed her real feelings and thoughts.

I thought we were okay. I thought she believed in me. I thought that she was the one I'm going to live with forever. I thought that her happiness was my fault. I thought that she was real with herself and with me.

But all of those were just my thoughts.

I never looked out to her. All I did was to love her in any way that I could, but I didn't let her to love me back in her own way.

She got tied up with all the romantic bullshit. She got the love she thinks she don't deserve.

She got frustrated, confused, conflicted and kind of dead on the inside.

It was a fine morning. I woke up to give her a sweet "Good Morning!" But she wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere to be found.

She was all that I have. She was all that I loved. When she left, she almost took every piece of my heart with her.

And now, the remaining few, I work with them to understand her reasons for leaving. She said she loves me, but she never had the chance to show it. She said I was the best that anyone could have, but I was too good for her. She said that she'll come back after she sorts out her thoughts.

But she jumped off the cliff, how can she come back from that?

I guess I'll just have to follow her then.