1-800-SUICIDE

1-800-IM

    "hello, this is 1-800- SUICIDE prevention. how can i assist?" he answered the phone.

     "um, hello," a soft voice whispered, a sniffle was heard and then it was silent.

     harry remembered that voice, he remembered this number, this 'louis' person.

     harry was gonna ask his question again once the silence settled, but the caller spoke first.

     "sorry, i know i'm calling really late and stuff. i'm just so sad and my whole body hurts." their voice was much clearer than last time.

     harry frowns, why does this fragile voice make him want to scoop this person up. he doesn't want to assume their gender, but it sounds like a guy with a girlish voice.

     he felt bad just for thinking that. he took it back.

    "why does your body hurt? are you okay?" harry asks, more emotion and worry in his voice than intended.

     the stranger sniffs, "no, i'm not okay.." they don't continue talking. harry waits a few seconds, he really wanted to know why his body hurt.

     "i, um, i got jumped in school, then i came home and got beat for being beat..if any of that makes sense.." the stranger laughed humourlessly, it didn't make sense.

     harry was sympathetic, it sucked so bad for him. as well as it did for others.

    "i'm so terribly sorry to hear that, have you tried to tell anyone about this?" harry bit his lip and leaned against his chair.

    "no, no one would care, no one would do anything! i've tried...they all just say i deserve it.." the voice gets increasingly sadder and harry almost couldn't handle it.

    "the only reason i'm calling is to tell someone, i know you can't do anything, but just talking to someone about this can help, right? or am i just being stupid? i can overthink sometimes and come up with stupid ideas, this is probably one of those times." louis rambles on, getting nervous that even the person on the other line wouldn't want to talk to him or listen to what he has to say.

     "hey, hey, calm down," harry almost chuckles. "it's not stupid, i completely understand. you can start by telling me when this all started if you would like."

     "it started after my uncle died. he lived with my mom and i, and they were best friends, they were the closest of siblings. so, when he died it crushed my mom. she couldn't bear it, he was the only one she had had for years, even after my dad left."

     harry listens intently, curious to learn the secrets that were lodged deep in louis' throat. at this point, harry was almost the last person left in the office. he gets comfy and prepares himself for a ride, not knowing exactly what he was getting himself into.

      "she began to start dating older men, needing help with bills and just basic living things. after 3 men, she clung to one. i'm not gonna say his real name, let's just call him "a". he supported her, but he also manipulated her, but she was okay with it, of course, she was. she hadn't been that happy since her brother died." louis' voice is a bit shaky, but with a following deep sigh, he continues.

     "and well, one day i came home to hear my mom crying, it was faint but i knew it instantly it was her. i went to her room and saw him bent over her, just watching her cry. i didn't know what was going on and i was so confused. i remember saying "mom? are you okay?". i remember her breath hitching and her looking up, i could tell she wasn't expecting me so soon and i saw the panic in her eyes. "a" looked at me, they both did and that's when i saw her eye, visibly bruised and quickly turning all sorts of colours. her left cheek was bleeding as well." 

     it was then silent.

     "hello? are you still there?" 

     seconds of silence go past.

     "yes, i'm here. it's just hard to talk about this...no one knows." 

     "i understand, take your time."

     a minute goes past with harry waiting patiently, going over all the details he could remember from the words just spoken. it was important to have all the facts, to pay attention. 

     a sigh comes from the other side of the call, signaling to harry they would start talking again. 

     "she yelled at me. my mom. she told me i should knock on doors before entering even though the door was already open. i tried to ask her if she was okay again and she only told me to mind my business and told me to leave. i was so confused, i didn't know what to do.."

     "m-mom? what did i do? what happened? i'm worried about you, did he do this?" louis pointed. her boyfriend storms towards him and pushes him. 

     "what the fuck did you just say?" he sneers, pushing him again, louis stumbling and losing his balance. he bends down, "listen to your mother, back the fuck off and mind your business." 

     louis stumbles out, crawling backwards, looking from his mother to andrew, not knowing what to say or what to do. he pleaded with his eyes, begging her to do something. she looked away mournfully and aggravated. 

     "okay.." louis whispered, still looking at her, pleading that she looks at him. her boyfriend walks off, picking her up and coming back to close the door." 

     "so, i left. that was only the beginning. it only got worse. she started becoming distant from me, being mean, hitting me whenever he did, i guess it brought them closer. she'd do anything to keep him." 

     harry sits for a second, "you already have so much going on at home, why do have trouble at school?" 

     louis laughs, "if you knew me, you'd understand. listen, i don't want you to try to make me feel better, i call here to talk, to let it out when i know i shouldn't let myself be alone. i should go now, others should be calling, they have more important problems."

     "wait, no. you're important too, each caller is equally important, you shouldn't compare problems." harry tried his best to let them know.

     "thanks...harry. surprised i got to talk to you again, i know you forgot me, thousands of people call every day. i remember your voice. it's distinct." louis said.

     "that's...interesting of you to say because i remember you too, louis. you can call anytime you'd like, i wish i could save your number, but it's against our policies. maybe we'll get a chance to talk again. our least busy times are 9am - 3pm, weird right?" harry said, talking casually in hopes of giving this person a sense of friendship, of care that it seems they don't get. 

     "i'll keep that in mind. if i call, can i request you?" 

     "sure, if you wanted to talk to me. try taking care of yourself, you can't always reach these numbers, so many people call, so if you can't i recommend keeping a diary to let your feelings out."

     "i'll think about it, i didn't want to make this a habit, you know. i have to go...ill talk to again hopefully, harry."

     "goodbye, louis." harry hangs up the phone, mind spinning. harry's smiling, spinning slowly in his chair with his head back. 'they have a nice voice..' he thinks to himself. 

     "well, it's time to clock out," he tells himself and starts to clean his area. 

written:

october 15th, 2018

january 19th, 2019 

february 3rd, 2019

february 7th, 2019

may 5th, 2019

november 22nd, 2019

april 14th, 2020

april 15th, 2020

published:

 april 15th, 2020