forever mine

IF IT'S MEANT TO BE..

The day was a very big disappointment though
I quickly realised I was the one at fault. I was so excited to start my final semester that I took it everyone will share the notion.

But ofcourse not. People barely showed their faces in class on first days. Students and lecturers alike. I've  been here for over  seven semesters and I know this very well.

I too have been guilty of it. Not showing my face for a whole first week of a particular semester, Sometimes even a little more than that, and it didn't  feel like anything abnormal.

This time though, things are  different. I am at school on the very  first day!

Normally at this time, i'd still be well in my recess mode.

The university was void of people. It is an understatement to say that the day was boring, slow and long. It brought to my attention the reality that the semester  was not going to be over in a rush like i'd  pictured just because I was eager to graduate.
It was going to be the usual slow, gruesome, hard and tiring semester like it always is. Like every normal semester...and that, to say the least was draining.

Can't we just fast forward to my graduation already? Seriously.  I want out of this place.

After a few more disappointing classes where the Lecturers were either not coming or coming and spending only five minutes talking about some totally irrelevant stuff I decide to sit outside my school building  ( The school of applied mathematics and natural sciences) and watch people go about their businesses.

After about half an hour, only a total of eight people had pass by me going in and out of the school. Some I knew so they stopped for small talk before going about their day

A few minutes later my friend Brenda comes along and it is with her that I spend the rest of the day. Her reasons for being at school not as stupid as mine.

'My grandparents are never going to change. Every time I go home I reclaim my title of errand girl and house cleaner. I couldn't  wait for recess  to be over' She says. Staring into thin air.

I say nothing knowing  full well she is not done  venting.

'I swear to you. I have to get married asap and get out of that god forsaken house'

The 'marriage' part changed my mind. I always  have something to say about that...and it's almost  always   about how to avoid it. Sincerely!

'You know  marriage is not the only way to get out of your house'

'What do you suggest then?' She asks folding  her arms and corking her head towards me.

She obviously  knows what is coming. We have had this conversation  one two many times. Nonetheless  I drawl a breath and gracefully  started.

'well you know I can  tell you a lot on that subject but at this point i'd suggest getting  your degree then finding a job somewhere  far away from home...you know something people  normally  do'

She sighs.

'That way you're  out of the house and also avoid  being trapped  by some chauvinistic bastard out there who think  women are tools'

I still want to say more but Brenda starts shaking her head in disapproval.

I wonder what it is she disagrees with  because all the guys I know of that she's ever  date are chauvinistic.
...and I took the liberty of letting her know each  time.

Just so we are clear, i don't  think all men are chauvinists...just the ones she dates

'Amethyst. Is it possible  that you can, just for a few minutes, get your head down from the clouds? Please. Sage is not a place for dreams. We are poor and that's  never going to change. The best that can  ever happen to a Sage girl is get married."

That's why  I suggested  leaving. Duh!

Her mood is now darkened and I share the sentiment.

Not because I believe Sage is rotten poor. On the contrary, I see Sage in a different  light.
I see it improving with  every passing year. Even the poorest  person in Sage can afford the minimum standards  of living. Sage can not be compared  to the big cities of south africa in this regard. We are thriving.

But it's  Brenda. She has this pessimistic side to her.

I don't blame her though, she's  had a pretty rough life. From loosing her parents as a toddler to being abandoned to the streets by her uncle after that...I totally understood that those were not the perfect  ingredients for a sunny attitude.

She has seen life at its worst and that is part of the reason why I became her friend. So i'd  try and share my sun with her with hopes that she might see the light. 

But here we are one and a half year later, she still chooses to face the dark.

'Mxm. You my friend...' she starts, Her expression now much softer.

But before she could continue her expression changes to that of pity

'sometimes I sit at home and feel afraid for you. I wonder if you'll  ever get married'

I roll my eyes.

Brenda, obviously  expecting that kind of response from me, takes  my hand to hers like a mother would  to a daughter who was having  boy problems..or just problems of any kind. This catches me offgaurd. I wonder  what she is thinking.

'You push people away. I can tell you a number of people I was sure really loved and you but you did not even give them a chance'

I roll my eyes once again pulling  my hand off from between hers. She knows about this. I've told her time and again.

'That guy donald?'

'Okay. You can stop now' I say  and I stand up on my feet

'He loved you' she says almost desperately.

'Well I did not ask him to, did I?'

'Amethyst, you are not getting any younger. If you could just give the guy a...'

'Cut it right there Brenda.  You know there's  no changing  my mind on this one. Let's  get out of this place'

I start walking and immediately from behind me Brenda follows.

My philosophy in life is very simple. If I'm meant  to get married in this life I will and that's  okay.  But if I'm not meant to be married, then I won't  and that's fine too.

I do not  need to be giving any guy my attention and forcing myself to do things for the sake of it.

A few conversations  later Brenda and I came to our seperating point which was the university's main gate. She had to go back to the school res, to her room, and I had to go on forward home 

We exchange  hugs and just as we are about to break away from the hug, I see someone staring at me.