The Unneruffertine Returns

As he lay the dead body onto the black marble stone, Hamish muttered a silent prayer to mark the passing of the demon. He stood up and the funeral director said, "Today we say goodbye to the king of the Demons. He was a great leader and inspired many. Sure, he trapped countless souls, but nevertheless he always shared. He taught an Unneruffertine to start a rebellion that went, eh, not so smoothly, but he did raise awareness and a whole army. May we have a minutes silence for our king."
*
Shivering in terror, the donkey shrieked as the dark shape towered over him. Another looked, petrified.
The shape came ever closer and took the shivering donkey.
"JEFF!!!" screamed the bystander, "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"AAAAAAAAARGH!"
"Jimmy, stop waking up like that," sighs the happily intact body of Jeff, my brother.
"Sorry," I murmur, "Just a nightmare."
Jeff shakes his head. "You need to see a doctor."
"No," I say, "I'm not sick."
"I'm not saying you're sick," says Jeff, holding his hands up in surrender, "I'm saying you're mentally addled."
I sigh. Jeff really needs his internal dictionary revised.
"He's not that addled," yells a voice from another room.
"Yes he is," yells Jeff.
I can't help but allow a grin to spread across my face.
Stephan and I met a few months ago, when my brother pulled a prank on me and shot some black gunk on me. Due to some unexplained magic miracle, the gunk developed a personality and became one of my closest friends, Stephan.
"Where've you been the last week? We had a long 30-minute war at one point!"
"I've... er... I've been camping in Scotland."
It doesn't convince me. "For just one week? And why Scotland? And... CAMPING?"
"Er... so tell me more about this war?
*
Yawning, I clamber into bed.
And the donkey was picked up. The monster paused for a moment, as if deciding what to do with it, when he noticed the other donkey that had fallen on its back. He plucked it off and weighed it in his hand with the other one.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the second donkey, "MERCY!"
"No..."
*
Today I go to the garage and gaze at my car. Jeff says it's crazy to have a golden pencil-shaped car, but he hasn't tasted the Sprite.
I decide to clamber in.
As I wrench the flying gear on the awesome car, I hear a shout.
"If you're going on a road trip, take us!"
I look down and see Stephan, Greg and Kay-9. Kay-9 is my robot dog that can turn into a car and a slick leather jacket.
I fly down and let them clamber in. It's a bit cramped, so I hit a big blue button I've never pressed before in the hope it does something.
There are a few soft POP!s and the car has expanded to hold a bigger rear and more side room!
As we soar over the island where we live, I ask Stephan to take the wheel.
I take the opportunity to have a rest.
"You have failed me."
"No! Master! I-"
"Silence! I have had to die because of you!"
"What about the holes? The donkey got out!"
"Sealed," said the demon, "all sealed."
A pause.
"I'll get you out. I promise."
"Jimmy! JIMMY! WAKE UP!"
"W-what?" I say groggily.
Stephan doesn't say anything. He just points to the windscreen.
I see something hurtling past. With a jolt I realise it's the Earth.
"Whats happening?"
"I CAN'T DRIVE!" yells Stephan
Panicking, I take the wheel, and direct the car towards the Earth.
I feel a proud sensation in my chest. I like being the hero.
Suddenly, though, a blast takes us by surprise, and hurtles us miles away.
"AAAAAAAARGH!" screams Greg.
We fly off through space at a tremendous speed, and whiz past a few iconic spacemarks. We see Pluto fly off past us, we zoom a bit too close to Alpha Centauri, We even travel around UY Scuti, before we stop.
Quite abruptly, actually. Bits of the Legendary Pencil Car (LPC) go flying everywhere.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" I yell, "MY AMAZING CAR! THAT TOOK ME AGES TO FIND!"
"Us ages," mutters Stephan.
I look around. Behind us are the vast reaches of space. In front of us is a brick wall. The Brick Wall at the End of the Universe.
I can tell it's the Brick Wall at the End of the Universe because there is an untidy sign reading 'The Brick Wall at the End of the Univer'. Next to it is a sign reading 'se'.
I take a while to admire the evil wall that destroyed my car, and realise that it's just... perfect.
Each brick is exactly the same size, shape, width, height, depth and horrible shade of brick-red. They are all spaced at exactly the same distance. The cement holding them together is completely flat and exactly the same shape, density and disgusting yellowy-grey-brown colour.
It looks perfect. Perfectly ugly.
"Great," I say, "What now?"
"Well," says Stephan, "I suggest we adsfgv[]mlnkm,/'f;l.KJjdkjlw;l'c..."
He bent over the paper, trying to strain his memory to when he was there himself. He found a hole in a large tree, but his master said it wasn't there anymore.
He remembered a large smash in the wall that looked like a flying Jeep had escaped. He found a small hole in the side of a lake. All of these he reported. All were gone.
"Jimmy..."
"Yes?"
"We're still stuck at the end of the universe."
"Err... why don't we just go through the wall?" I ask, "It'll probably be the Jimmyverse on the other side!"
For those of you who don't know, the Jimmyverse is an alternate universe which I created with the power of destruction. Long story.
A while ago, I explored it twice with Stephan.
So, naturally, I destroy a chisel out of nowhere and started chiseling at the brick wall.
After a while, I decide that chiselling is too slow, so I decide to jackhammer instead. I destroy a jackhammer by snapping my chisel in half.
I jackhammer through the wall. Nothing happens.
So I decide the best way to continue my life is an unexpected deus ex machina.
Suddenly, a ray of light beams down a small green cube.
I gasp. "It's the Servant of the Master of the Universe!"
*
The Master of the Universe states that Chocolate Steak is one of the most absurd, yet surprisingly delicious delicacies in the Universe. It combines the rich savoury texture of dead cow with the mouth-watering taste of cocoa, milk and sugar.
Strangely, this scrumptious dessert is one of the rarest things in the Universe. This may be due to the scarcity of cows throughout most of the Universe. Surprisingly, an unremarkable planet called Earth is slowly but surely getting destroyed by a buildup of methane due to an abundance of cows. The Master of the Universe is disappointed by this as he usually used the Earth as a basketball.
*
The Servant of the Master of the Universe stared at me.
I stared at him.
He says, "M-m-master of da universe s-say dat da c-concept of d-da deus ex m-machina is used to m-make stories more i-interesting whilst m-making no sense at all. S-so, derefore, I've come to b-bring you to da basketball."
"How?" I asked, "You don't have a ship! Or, for that matter, any hands!"
The Servant of the Master of the Universe stared. "Y-you're not allergic t-to interdimensional hyperspace teleportation, a-are you?"
Ten femtoseconds later, we were travelling at speeds of 180,000,000kph at an obscure route to the basketball, which miraculously turned out to be the Earth.
The obscure route took some 2.776 seconds longer than a direct route would have, but we got to Earth nonetheless.
Touching (actually SLAMMING) down on my front yard, I notice that Jeff is pruning a new tree I have never seen before. It is yellow, with a holey trunk and cylindrical fruits.
"Uh... Jeff? What's with the cheese tree?"
Jeff stares at me. "I like cheese. What's the big deal?"
I look at him blankly. "Cheese. Tree. Right. How is that genetically possible?"
Silence.
"Never mind," I say. "I'll just be... sitting... in my room... thinking... about life..."
Truth be told, I didn't go to my room. I went to the phone and tried to contact Sir Strawberries, the Unneruffertine who had told me about the LPC.
I dial his number; "03-1126-8557."
After the initial ringing phase, it went to answerphone: "Hi, this is Sir Strawberries from the Troubled Taxi, I guess you want to book a ride?" says the voice of Sir Strawberries. Then a female voice says blankly, "Please leave a message after the tone. To cancel, just hang up." BOOP!
I place the phone on the receiver. Sir Strawberries must have been one of the Unneruffertines who joined the rebellion and died.
I realise my last hope of seeing the LPC again is crushed. Sir Strawberries was dead. Now I know what my dreams are about.
Hamish is trying to resurrect the Demon King.
I walk along the corridor, and then see a room marked "DO NOT ENTER; PROPERTY OF THE DECEASED DEMON KING". Inside I can hear music. All the songs are demon-remixed with bestselling titles like 'It's a long way to life if you're already dead,' 'You make me feel like revenging (It's time to kill Jimmy),' and everyone's favourite, 'We all live in a revengeos submarine'
I open the door.
I scream.
I wake up panting (not for the first time). Behind that door... ugh, it was revolting.
It must have been the demon king, but he wasn't a demon. He was a... weird mix of... a donkey, an unneruffertine and a chig. Again, I don't know how that is genetically possible.
Maybe he had strange ancestors. Yeah, that'll be it.
It's probably best not to dwell on it.
There was a knock at the door at precisely 3:27pm that day. So I opened it.
"Sir! Sir! I'm an overexcited advertising guy!" yelled the chimpanzee at the door.
"Not interested!" I drone.
"But Sir! It's their last concert!"
"Who's concert?"
"It's the last stand of the counting ducks! They're playing their world-famous cover of 'Run'!"
"When is it?" I ask.
"It's tonight at about 6!"
Three hours later, everyone is pouring into the theatre. I find Stephan and ask him how long until the concert starts.
Suddenly, a guitar riff blares in our ears.
"Ladies and Sirs!" yells the familiar voice of the overexcited advertising guy, "Please welcome... THE COUNTING DUCKS!"
"Thank you!" yells the 1 duck, "This one is our last! So now we'll play our world famous..."
His last word is blotted out by a loud voice.
"Do not kill the pasta..."
"What?" I ask Stephan.
"The pasta is my pasta..."
"What's going on?" asks Stephan.
"And when you kill the pasta..."
"What's wrong?" yells the 1 duck.
"You face the wrath of the pasta..."
"What the hell is a wrath?" questions a voice nearby.
"The wrath of the pasta is not nice..."
"It deals in lots of pasta..."
"It costs many pasta lives..."
"And life forms, leaves them pasta-fied."
"DO NOT KILL THE PASTA
THE PASTA IS MY PASTA
AND WHEN YOU KILL THE PASTA
YOU FACE THE WRATH OF THE PASTA
"THE WRATH OF THE PASTA IS NOT NICE
IT DEALS IN LOTS OF PASTA
IT COSTS MANY PASTA LIVES
AND LIFE FORMS, LEAVES THEM PASTA-FIED
"Do not kill the pasta
Do not kill the pasta
Do not kill the pasta
Do not kill the pasta..."
"JIMMY O'PONGO," booms a deep voice.
I cower in fear. "Donthurtmesirpleasealliwanttodoislistentothisconcert!"
"DON'T WORRY. I WILL TALK TO YOU IN PRIVATE.
The last thing I see before I black out is Stephan's horrified expression.
*
A black cloud.
A locked door.
A rainbow.
A bolt of lightning.
Am I flying?
Am I falling?
What is this sensation?
*
The Master of the Universe sometimes talks of a giant ball of pasta floating above the basketba- Earth. The Earth. Its transparency classification is semi-invisible/conditional, as it can only be seen by members of the Pasta Saviour Organisation. Even then, it is only visible when the seeker isn't looking for it. It is curious how such a transparency can occur, as the laws of invisibility do not recognise whether you are a part of a club. How the Pasta Ball, as it's commonly known as, works is still a mind-blowing question to universe-famous scientists. The Master of the Universe spends, on average, two and seventeen twenty-thirds percent of his time trying to make a structure such as this to hide his many secrets, of which mortals have been trying to steal for aeons.
*
I wake with a start. "Where have you taken me?" I demand. Ouch, that hurts my throat.
"DO NOT FEAR, JIMMY O'PONGO. I AM HERE TO RECRUIT, NOT TO KILL."
"Oh, well, that's a relief. I've never been lured into a trap and killed before."
The voice pauses for a moment. "YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?"
"No. I'm deadly serious!"
"HA! HA HA HA!"
"I am!"
"PFFT! YEAH, RIGHT!"
I look at where the voice is coming from in disbelief (Which is hard, seeing as the voice seems to be coming from everywhere). "Okay, so about this recruiting thing?"
"OH, YEAH."
The air around me swirls. Suddenly, a figure appears in front of me. He is tall, and radiates power (the type with a purplish tint), and so appears almost... godlike.
"I AM FARINAECOQUUS, THE PASTA GOD."
Ah, that would explain why.
"So, Farinaecoquus, what have you brought me here for?"
"I AM HERE TO RECRUIT YOU INTO THE PASTA RANKS."
"What if I decline?"
"THEN I KILL YOU."
"So I be a pasta guy or I die again."
"YES."
"Okay, I guess I'll be a pasta guy."
"NOW YOU TAKE THE OATHS. REPEAT AFTER ME:
I swear loyalty to Farinaecoquus, god of the pastas. I will catch any pasta disobeyers and give them the wrath of the pasta. I will be one with the pasta, and the pasta will be one with me.
I will not kill the pasta. I will not spell pasta P-A-S-T-E-R. I will respect the yellow flour. Farinaecoquus, I will be one of the MANY.
I will not complain about this insanely long oath.
*
"Jimmy! What are you doing?"
"Jeff?"
"Yes, you imbecile! What were you just saying?"
"Umm..."
"Something about pasta? A god with an unpronounceable name? Farinn coashus? No, pasta. I'm going with pasta."
Suddenly, there is a boom outside. "Stuff my hallucinations. What was that?"
"Uhhh... I'm going to -V-'s basement."
So Jeff runs off like a coward, leaving me to face the weird banger alone.
BANG! I walk to the door.
BANG! I open the door.
BANG! I nearly faint at the sight outside.
It's the weird donkey-chig-unneruffertine thing. The demon king, but grown to at least eight times the size since I saw him last.
"Jimmy O'Pongo," he booms.
"Thingy," I reply.
The demon king stares at me. "Thingy? Don't you recognise me in all my glory?"
"Umm, no. You're a weird unnerchigkey," I say.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I can change that." The demon king pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket. Or, I thought it was a handkerchief, until he starts tugging it at his leg.
"Oh," I say, "It's your costume."
"Yes. Ugh, it's so hard to get on."
I watch him struggle for a few minutes. In those minutes, I notice that Jeff's cheese trees have been spreading their seed very well. All down the street are cheese trees. All down the forest are cheese trees.
Then I realise: all down the WORLD are cheese trees. Jeff has made his species the most dominant ever.
"Stuff this," says the demon king, jerking me back to reality, "It's time to finish my master plan. A) to kill Jimmy and B) to become IMMORTAL!"
"Ah, chig," I say, "I appear to have woken up on the wrong Tuesday."