"Human nature," is a phrase we all hear and use on a regular basis. It's typically used as justification for something everyone is prone to doing. It's "human nature," to be disappointed when something doesn't go your way. It's "human nature," to find your gaze set on someone who isn't your significant other. It's "human nature," to fall victim to sugary foods. But, just because it's "human nature," doesn't mean it's healthy for us or the people around us.
As a human, I struggle with the need to control others. (I often claim being a woman [and a virgo] plays into that.) I have an idea in my head for what something is supposed to look like, and when it starts looking different, it stresses me out. I feel like I have to jump in and intervene to get things back on track. Unfortunately, I can not herd a situation into my ideal result. When that realization strikes in that moment, it creates anger in me. That's when I lose my cool, raise my voice, and my peace is stolen from me.
For so long, I couldn't understand why things wouldn't go my way, even when I voiced my concerns or discontentment. And then one day, a little voice piped up in my brain. "How can you expect to control these other people when you can't even control yourself?"
At first, I wanted to fight the thought. "No. I can control myself. I can make this situation go where it needs to. It's these other people that can't." Then I saw myself, as if I was watching another person, blow up. I yelled and whined and pouted. Just to make something go the way I wanted it to go.
That is not self control. That is trying to impose my will on the world. That will never work.
I have access to my own thoughts, my own feelings, my views, opinions, values. I know what is going on in my head. I know where my goal is in a situation. And I still can't control myself. How can I possibly expect to control other people? I have no idea what they think, or feel, or value. I have no idea how to sway them the way I want them to go. That will never change.
What I can do is change how I react. I can keep myself calm. I can tell myself that it isn't as big of a deal as I am making it out to be. I can choose peace instead of anger. I can do these things for myself. I'm the only one I can control. I'm the only one I can help. And I'm the only one who can help me.
I've been robbed of joy, peace, fun, love and care because of petty things that I couldn't control. When I looked back on times I've let that side of me takeover, I regret losing those precious moments to things so small. It was never worth it. That's how I knew I needed change.
I always have a choice point. I can decide to allow Anger pull me towards her, lash out at the person standing closest to me and knowingly ruin the rest of the short day I have. Or, I can fight to stand with Peace, who hugs me close and makes me feel warm, safe. I always have a choice. One is easy to fall into, the other is hard to grip onto. But I grip with all I have, and as time goes by, my fingers clasped tightly around Peace, she starts to hold me instead. Peace starts to take care of me. And she is stronger than Anger ever was.
