Symptoms

01 As It is with Strangers

 June 24, 2014
Lilo-an, Cebu
Philippines

 There’s a blank paper staring at me in the face.

For the record, I should be doing assignments or studying my ass out – what with the exams practically cutting off every connection I have with society. It’s just the start of classes and yet, it’s as if my professors conspired to schedule all the exams in the same week to make my life a living hell. Not that I’m complaining, of course; it’s the only satisfactory and valid reason I can use to excuse myself out of a chaotic dinner with my parents – who are in the verge of a divorce, mind you – and my poor little sister, Marissa.

I know I shouldn’t leave my sister to handle all the fighting in the middle of the food every supper but I have eyes and ears, too. I’ve endured the past ten years listening to them fight about even the littlest of things that I’ve grown quite annoyed with it already. A person can only do so much. Even if they are my parents, I couldn’t care less if they separate. It’s been way overdue, to be honest. I’d be with Mama, and Marissa will be with Papa.

It’s such a simple arrangement, if you think about it. Only it isn’t, because Papa wants to attain custody of me since I’m already legal and therefore will (probably) be useful to him by quitting school and looking for a job. Marissa will be of no use to him since she’s such a frail girl with a very demanding lifestyle due to her health.

That will be the time when I will have to sacrifice myself in order to let Marissa live a comfortable life with Mama in the confines of her family’s house in Labangon while I stay home alone and wait for Papa for his three-month trips as a seafarer. The idea suddenly sounds so unappealing the more I think about it, but it’s my wild heart that is pumping rather fast at the liberating thought of being alone for three months.

The problem is, they are not even divorced yet. They’ve been hinting at it a couple of times during their nightly squabbles, but none of those have manifested in actuality. I don’t know how this perfect family role play will last, but I hope – for all our sake – it won’t be long.

“WELL, IT WOULDN’T BE SO HARD IF YOU ONLY ASK YOUR GODDAMN SON TO GIVE US A SHARE OF HIS INCOME IN TAIWAN!” I heard Papa snarling at Mama downstairs. She whimpered, too weak to confront him at this hour. It’s already eleven in the evening, and for sure, the neighbors are eavesdropping again.

It’s always been this way since I was 9, and the reason is almost always the same, too: money. That cursed thing has been our problem for God knows how long. Of course, we still manage to live off a normal life with a debt on the side, but every year, I’ve noticed more and more bills taped on our fridge door with a red mark on it – indicating its non-payment.

I can’t really say that I don’t care about it, since it is my home and my family at stake, but I’m just nineteen, turning twenty on September, and there’s not much I can do. I’m still studying (religiously, might I add) and I’m working part-time as a waitress at a fast food chain just to fend for myself in terms of my schooling. I’ve tried to juggle two jobs while I was just in my second year in college, but it’s proved to be a difficult feat that I had to choose between the two. In the end, I stuck with the one which paid me better.

I was still staring at the blank page in front of me.

I was supposed to be writing an essay for our Literature class’ assignment which was a subjective analysis on Susan Beth Pfeffer’s As It is with Strangers but I couldn’t seem to find an inspiration to write a reaction about it. I’ve read the story twice, but the results stay the same; I’d end up staring off into space and/or staring at the blank page in front of me.