Lately, I have felt this is the end of my career. All of the reports from the media are throwing judgments towards me. I have did my best, did all sacrifices just to achieve my dream. I have dared to care for my fans and the people around me, but despite it all they are judging me.
I know I have grown to have a stronger front, and that is all because of the struggles and motivation to survive this cruel life that drive me to face it all. But still, I am Maeda Atsuko. A person with fragile heart, with self doubts and self problems to face with. I'm still a person who needs love and attention. Now where should I head out to feel wanted? When will all of these mess be cleaned out without me getting hurt? Is it really the path I've chosen to take?
I took a step out of my apartment. My service, which is driven by a staff from our movie set, had already open the car's door for me to get in.
"Isn't it a nice day, Maeda-san?" He smiled and asked me through the front mirror.
I don't know what he's talking about. Because for me, everyday is a struggle lately. It was never a nice day. But then I looked at the window of the car, indeed it looked like it's a sunny day which automatically labeling it a nice day for some. It's summer after all.
"Yes, it is!" I replied back smiling at him.
It feels great to feel the warmth of summer. So I've asked permission to my staff if I can open down the window of our car and he said it's fine.
I lower the window at my side, the warm wind welcomed me. It's so refreshing! I can't help but smile at this comforting feeling. The nature seemed to be by my side, please say yes?
As I looked at the scenery we're passing through, also became a nostalgia. I have frowned at how fast my emotions could change in an instance. But then I have remembered, when I am always filled with lots of people around. I grew up with people supporting me, with smiles around me. It was the happiest time of my life wherein I feel so secured and comfortable. They will always be my family, despite having small time of being together.
It's been a few years, and reminiscing like this over and over again seemed to be a part of my life now. I somehow wonder, if did I ever regret things like graduating so fast just like that?
I shook my head at the realization that if I start questioning myself like that, I might start to feel regret right now. No I cannot do that right? Besides, life begins when you're out of your comfort zone. And this is life!
Yes, I may have lost a lot of acquaintances, but a few of people who really are my true friends stood beside me. Even though we aren't together, I know we all are facing the same sky that will make us feel connected.
No matter what life gives us, we will always remain friends and a family.
But then,
I can feel the tears forming at the corner of my eyes. Here is again my self doubt, are my friends thinking the same thing? Do they also share a strong feeling I have for them?
Miichan, Mariko, Yuko, Tomochin, NyanNyan...everyone....
And I have said her name... Takamina?
I know you feel the same too, right? I wanted to hear answers, but of course I'm only crazy to hear another voice in my head.
I have faith in Takamina though, it's bigger than anyone else. She's a god to me, anyways.
I laughed carelessly thinking about Takamina. I can feel the driver is looking at me like I'm a crazy one.
I miss my friends.
As we all gathered on set with my co-actors, we started filming right away.
We took several cuts for my scene and took a break after a while.
"It seemed that you're out of yourself Maeda-san. Is everything alright?" I heard my director asked. I feel embarrassed for not being a professional here.
"I'm sorry, I'll do my best later on." I bowed at him. He gave me smile and a pat on the shoulder.
"It's fine. Just focus Maeda-san!" He said and left me.
Everyone's already eating their meal, while I secluded myself away from them and just sit down here while looking at the sky.
To my surprise, dark clouds start to form around the sky, I furrowed my eyebrows for not understanding this for a moment. Is it going to rain? But.. it's summer. My mind seemed to be clouded now too.
"okay! Break time is over! Come on set now!!" The director shouted from the center of where we are. I stood up from my bench and about to leave when I heard my phone ring and vibrated.
I just stood there for a while looking at it, ringing. I wonder who could it be? But the director is shouting now for the missing actors, so I have to get going.
"Later, I'll pick you up." I said at my phone and just run towards my co-workers. How ironic that I am a saviour of my phone who is a gadget, but noone dared to pick me up when I'm in need.
This seeminly endless hardwork for today, I can feel the headache imerging from my brain. Perhaps this is what I get for my endless thoughts as well. My worries of my past, present and future. Who wouldn't have a headache with that?
"CUT!! That's it! We're going home now!!"
I was shocked to hear that from our strict director. I looked at my watch to see if it's really time, but it's still four in the afternoon.
Probably because of my surprised facial expression, director explained more. "Let this be a rest day. Besides it's starting to rain now. We'll just email you the next location later! So pack up!!!"
As I watched everyone moving in their own phase packing up and looking for a shelter from this rain, I stood still to where I am. Slowly getting drenched by this cold touch from the rain, the wind swirling and playing around me. It feels so refreshing. I look up above catching the tears of heaven, then slowly raised my arms to feel the nature. I may look crazy now, but this is what I wanted to feel. Is it always a talk about when I am here doing weird things that I am comfortable of? Would my workers judge me over this action I'm doing?
If it means to be at this comfortable state, I wouldn't mind being judged by anyone. This is my life, and I want to get things around me feel lighter. Is there anyone out there, willing to look like a fool with me at this very moment?
"Maeda-san! Time to go home!" A voice cracked me up. I was snapped back to my senses.
"Hai! Coming!" I replied yet my body stay immobile. For the last time I look at the secenery before me. This gloomy sky looking down upon me, the rainshower that the wind slightly splashing on me. When I thought it'll be a sunny day, it all went the oppossite. Nothing really is predictable in this world.
Without further ado. As if the heaven is listening to my inner thoughts, the sky stopped raining and the clouds scattering slowly giving path to a refreshing brightness coming from the sun. As I looked at the other side, there is a rainbow glittering. This miraculous event that nature is showing me, right at this moment and in just a short time, made me filled with happiness.
A smile crept towards my features as I look to where the rainbow was formed. And even though the rain stopped, my emotions are overflowing. This event had just reminded me a few things. First, life is filled with obstacles. Second, with this unpredictable and unbearable life, there will always be an end where we will find the light and new hope for a living. And lastly, there will always be you that is willing to be my right shoulder that will help me get through it all. There is you, Minami Takahashi.
I looked at her standing right below where the rainbow can be seen and finally fled my body against hers. I rested my head on her right shoulder, this has always been the best place in the world! Wherein I feel secured, loved and wanted.
"I have been calling you, and now you're playing in the rain? You could have just asked me to play with you, little kid!"
-END-
