quiet ➫ yoongi-centric

0.1

The first time it happens, it's nearing 1 am.

He lies on his bed, unmoving and dazed. His dark eyes stare into what is supposed to be his white ceiling as pitch black darkness surrounds him. He's not in a safe place. Physically, he is fine and knows nothing will happen, but mentally; uncertainty and death are the only things he is certain of.

The conversation between his parents and him replays endlessly, like a broken record. The words they said seems have sunken on his skin; never letting them slip from his mind. He's eighteen and ambitious. He is sure the world will surely cave at his feet one day, that his passion for music is enough to take him to the top yet at that moment, he feels unsure, a little less of himself. His parents want him to enter a good college and get a degree so he can get a stable job. Somewhere in his mind, he knows they mean good. Not many who have gone down the path, he wants to take, have made it.

His parents, too, have suffered and as his parents, they want Yoongi to never experience it. Of course, they only mean well; but in his rebellious young mind- he only sees it as another of their endless naggings, to stop him from doing what he wants.

Thinking about it now he wants to slap himself, he should have listened when he had the chance.

▲

The frequency of the plague of thoughts which take over his mind increases as he delves deeper into his trainee days. Always starting somewhere between midnight and 1 am; normally disappearing as the sun rises. It doesn't bother him or so he tells himself, but somewhere he finds himself growing anxious and scared.

Of what? everything, he will come to conclude five years later.

He wasn't always scared though, when he first auditioned he was confident and proud. Heck, he had failed in the rap battle against Ikje and yet he had gotten in. And he still was proud, proud that luck was on his side even when talent couldn't be. But as the days pass by and he watches BTS change, develop and grow. And along with it, so does he. He grows more scared and insecure, beginning doubting his capabilities and self-image. He's not Min Yoongi anymore, he's Suga now. A part of him feels Yoongi died the day those thoughts first plagued in his mind. It causes an almost unbearable ache of despair to spread through his chest when he thinks about it. He used to love the person he used to be.

His members are warm, hopeful and youthful, though. They try to get him out of this shell but he's such a big coward, he resorts to acting cold and uncaring, masking his insecurities and building walls around himself. But the fact that they still care about him so much makes him even more guilty of his actions. It is much easier to push someone away who doesn't want you around either. He tries, he really does, to be there for his members and at the same time, have them be there for him. But he's scared, he's so scared of what might happen if he does. He knows that if he disappoints now, he'll be disappointing not only himself but his band members and the whole company itself. He can't do that, not when they are so close to debuting.

He's already disappointed his family, for god's sake.

▲

He thinks it will get better after he debuts; after he's achieved something; after he's performed for an audience larger than two people.

But it doesn't.

In fact, it gets worse. Large crowds of people scare him, talking to a stranger scares him. He spends sleepless nights cooped up at his tiny studio at the BigHit office; working himself to the bone just to distract himself from the thoughts which overtake his mind at night. It's not like the first album does bad. Their title track gets them more attention than they expected, yet he can't get himself to celebrate.

Somewhere, deep inside, he feels he's not good enough. That all they have right now is due to the efforts of those around him. Although he's made a decent contribution, something lacks. So he works harder, to prove himself that he is worthy of being on the band.

His members have a do faint idea of what he does although not the intensity of it, they aren't dense, and they try to help him, be there for him. But everyone has their own demons and no matter how much they try to be there for him; they all have their own breaking points. And the increased stressed combined with the pressure to succeed; they are unable to be of any help. And eventually, they learn to deal with it, be able to take the responsibilities it takes to be an idol while living their life to the fullest.

Except the difference between yoongi and his members is that while they learn how to cope with it, Yoongi only learns how to hide it well, how to give off an impression that he is fine. Even though he is crumbling like fragments of glass inside.

For starters, he's become a better liar. Rather than telling them that he's not eaten anything for the past 17 hours is because he is trying to lose weight; he'll tell them it slipped his mind and he'll surely eat something before changing the topic and distracting them. He knows if he slips once in front of them, they'll never let it happen again. Hover around him, watching him. Lingering in his shadow, lurking close by- ready for anything which happens. He's seen it happen with Jimin when the poor boy stopped eating for the sake of getting abs. It's ironic because Yoongi had been equally worried as the other members (if not more), keeping an eye out for him, removing hate comments so Jimin wouldn't have to see them. Doing anything to make him feel comfortable in his own skin. That's his problem, he tries to save everyone else yet he forgets to save himself. He's a hypocrite.

▲

Although he is still young in retrospective, his memories are fading away slowly. Only the ones reminding him of the mistakes he's made remain along with bright tableaux of random events he has no recollection of.

One of them consists of him standing in front of his mirror. Staring at his body, his bare chest exposed. He remembers looking at his muffin top in disgust, wishing the number on the weighing scale were a little smaller. He remembers thinking his face is weird, with his cat-like eyes and extremely pale complexion. He has doll-like lips and feminine legs, and he feels even more out of place in a boy band. Although he does like his legs to a certain extent, they are skimpy and as long as Yoongi can see a thigh gap between them, he's okay.

As long as he can cover up those dark circles under his eyes and stop himself from crashing to the floor during dance practice, he's okay. As long as he can blink away those white spots as he remains seated during one of dance practice breaks, trying to regulate his breathing, he's okay. As long as he makes songs which his members claim to like, he is okay. As long as the armys are happy with him, he is okay.

As long as he can pretend everything is fine, he is okay.