Chapter 1
Takeout containers and shattered ceramics littered the floor, making the carpet a hazardous and unsanitary floor. My trembling hands attempt to gather my hair at the crown of my head, the grimy strands abstracting my vision. They fall right back down. I’m not strong enough to stretch the elastic over my slick fingers. My feet push my body away from my bed and toward my dresser. Rummaging through the wrecked drawers, I tried to find that large clip Claire always uses when she comes over. The rough edges of nail files and tweezers touch my palm – no clip. “God, Claire,” I complain to myself.
Eyes searching for a replacement, they catch the mirror…and refuse to let go. She was always here, staring at me. It became so irritating I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t want to tell her (it might hurt her feelings), but she really needed to start taking care of herself. Indented rolls clung to her back and inner thighs, bulbous cheeks protruded from her face like swollen bruises. The mop of hair that hung lifelessly to the sides of her neck accentuated the large nose that sat above the raw, bleeding lips that trembled just about as much as her fingers. Wow. What a mess. Y’know from girl to girl, it wouldn’t be rude to give her some advice on how to fix herself up. I begin to speak; gently so I wouldn’t startle her. As soon as I open my mouth, she does as well, as if to interrupt me. Suddenly, the words of advice on my tongue turned sour, twisting my lips into a harsh grimace.
“Listen you tub of lard, you need to get your life together. Look at you! The floors are going to cave in if you keep doing this! Don’t you care about yourself at all?” Oh no…I always ended up being so hard on her. But I couldn’t help it. I curl my fingertips into my palms, making fists. “Didn’t you see what you did? Look at this mess!” Leftover lo-mein noodles squishes under the balls of my feet as I traveled to the far end of the room. Counting the boxes strewn on the floor, my eyes widened and my disappointment deepened as the numbers continued to climb. “Eight! You had eight containers worth of food! What the hell is the matter with you?”
As I said this, I felt something lodged into my molar. Using my pinky-nail as floss, I dislocated it and brought it up to my face. Meat? Wait…I hadn’t eaten since last Monday. An unsettling feeling brews in my stomach, filling it with icy discomfort. I run to my dresser, colliding with the stool beside it, knocking it over. ‘No, no, no, no, no,’ I shouted in my mind. The girl was still there, but she now shared the same facial expression I felt I had. Her eyes held panic. Lifting the rats nest, I turn to see my back; she mimics my movements at the same speed. “No…,” my voice breaks. ‘Yes, you pig. It was you,’ whispered my thoughts. I let out a sharp breath and turn abruptly to face my bedroom. “But…I don’t remember any of this. What happened…I was sure I could control it,” I reasoned with myself. ‘It’s hard to tame beasts, love,’ snickered the whisper.
The mirror called to me again. My light eyes brimmed with fresh tears threatening to spill. My fingers tangle themselves into my dirty blonde hair, pulling at the roots in frustration. Oh God, what now? What now, what- ‘Well don’t cry about it. Just take care of it.’ I stop breathing, a relieved smile spreading across my cheeks. My legs propel me toward the bathroom, throwing me knees-first on the tile, in front of the toilet. “Oh God…thank God…I’m okay,” I gasp as I take my index and middle finger and violently force them down my throat. My stomach heaves, lurching me forward, the vomit rushing out me faster than the pressured tears. I take my hand and grip the sink, the sweat making them slip every so often. Again I insert and vomit. Wrenching up the food left burning sensations in my chest, like lava leaving its mark. This hurts so badly. Pulling back, my spine hits the wall with a thud. Quick breaths made their way out of me like brief cries from a child. The nicks on my knuckles stung. I needed to stop scraping my teeth.
God, what is wrong with me? /I needed to learn to control myself. Gradually, the reprimanding thoughts began to cease…and the feeling began to take over. I sighed and closed my eyes. Everything seemed to lighten, and a rush of good filled my veins. The purging wasn’t too great, but the after effect was too much to resist. It was perfect to wash away the guilt and stupidity.
‘You need to get a hold of yourself. You’re safe now, but don’t let it happen again. You might not make it in time.’ I slowly nodded my head, understanding the whisper’s request. Lifting myself off the floor, I treaded back to my room in a slight daze. Quickly latching onto my doorknob, I slowly lowered myself to the ground again, the tears decorating my face freely.
“God, Mariah…what are you doing?” I squeaked, trying to quiet the loud sobs escaping my chest.
Author's Note :)
-Hello my absolutely beautiful readers! I hope you're having a fanatstic day and that you enjoyed the first chapter! Remeber that God loves you and everything is going to be okay. I promise<3
©Ambar Rodriguez
2014
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