my last words to you

...the letter...

it was, or what seemed to be, an old scrapbook of which minghao must have owned from a younger age. a bold title written as 'my memories' was plastered in the middle of the front page, in off-white shaded, foam stickers. there were golden star stickers in all four corners with dates written underneath them. opening the book, there was a small polaroid of a baby minghao and dates ranging from his birthday to his first day he began to walk. filtering through the other pages, there was one page that caught his eye. stopping, junhui opened the page to find small cut out pictures of both boys, stuck down with cellotape and small pink heart stickers floating around the pictures. turning over to the next page, there were dates covering the it with small notes written beside them to explain what happened on that day. the page following was another polaroid of junhui and minghao with a note wedged into the crease of the book. lifting out the small piece of paper, he unfolded it and scanned his eyes over it. it was a note addressed to junhui himself, written in the boy's own native language instead of the Korean, of which they normally had write in for work. inhaling a breath, junhui sank himself further into the uncomfortable chair and began to read over the neat handwriting printed onto the page with black ink.

'dear junhui,

if you are reading this, i have passed away or i am in a state of which i am going to die. in this note i just want to tell you that i am sorry. when you are reading this, i will have known for a while that i will pass sooner than expected for the both of us and therefore i have written you this note in advance.

today is the eighth of june. junhui, it is our forth year anniversary. today at around eleven am, i received a phone call to tell me i only had under six months to live. i couldn't bear to tell you because today is our special day and i would ruin it. keeping this a secret will be hard, but i hope you understand why i did it.

i want you to know that i love you. i love you so much. i never wanted to leave you like this, nor did i want to keep this from you, but i did it for the best. i did it to keep us together and to not let this put a barrier between us in anyway. i did it so you could stay happy, so you wouldn't have to worry that i could drop down at any moment.

remember when we made up all those rhymes and wrote songs late at night when we had nothing else better to do? remember all those times we just cuddled inside with blankets instead of going to that party everyone in our friendship group was going to? i will forever cherish those memories that we shared even when i am gone.

promise me junhui that when i leave, continue with life. don’t ever let my passing be the reason you are held back from so many opportunities. keep that beautiful smile on your face, let the entire world see it. promise me you will accomplish your dreams and if you ever need me, i will always be by your side, even when I am gone.

i will forever be thankful for everything you have ever done for me. thank you for caring and loving me when no one else did. thank you for always being there. and thank you for becoming my best friend, boyfriend and soulmate.

i love you junhui, and i always will'

keeping a firm grip around the thin piece of paper, junhui let tears flow down his face. minghao knew all along that he was ill, but kept it a secret so junhui could be happy while he was walking and laughing, and not worrying that he could be lying in the hospital bed, fighting for his life at any point. folding the piece of paper back to its original state, junhui placed it carefully back into the book and closed the front cover. setting it into his backpack to take home for safe keeping, junhui wiped the dampness of his tears crawling down onto his neck and looked back up at his boyfriend. leaning into the hospital bed, the older boy took minghao’s fragile hand back into his and give it another gentle squeeze, like he had done when he first arrived, in hope minghao would give the slightest of a squeeze back to reassure junhui he was going to survive, and everything will be okay. taking a deep breathe, junhui looked over minghao’s frail body then back onto his face.