Life Takes Time

January 3, 2007

At The Wesley Eating Disorder Centre

Journal entry 1

All I can think of is what led to me being here in the first place. Was it my fault? Was it his fault? No, we were both to blame. We were both too weak, and instead of leaning on each other for support through our tough times, we pulled farther and farther apart. I sometimes can’t even believe it actually happened at all, but then I look around at where I am. I hate being in this white and blue prison. I have no furniture, no mirror, and the bed feels like sandpaper. All I want is to graduate high school and go to college. There are four months until graduation, and I'm determined to be out of this place as soon as possible.

Even though there are so many people around, I still feel lonely. I get scared at night just looking at the shadows on the walls. I feel naked with no one I care about around me. My dad hasn't visited me since he decided to get me a therapist, and my friends aren't allowed to come often, which is really annoying. They, the doctors and therapist, say it's to rid me of anything that might inhibit my recovery, but all it does is make me feel trapped. I think I’m going crazy. They want to know everything about me and how I feel every single second of every day. I told them once that I feel like I am at the end of a rope on the edge of a cliff and I'm trying to hold on, but the harder I try, the farther down I slip. The therapist then told me to start writing in this journal, to let my feelings out. I need to stop bottling them up. If I can shed that dead weight then I might be able to climb up to safety.

My name is Jenesis Anderson and this is my story:

Jake nudged me awake and told me I was home. I sat up groggily and looked around. I didn't see Leah so I figured Jake had dropped her off first. Jake came around and opened the door for me. Slowly I got out of the car and stretched. "What time is it?" I asked Jake.

"12:30. I'm sorry for getting you home so late." He apologized with a sheepish smile. "We were just having too much fun." I smiled at him. Tonight had been a great night. My best friends Leah and Jake had given me the best gift in the world, and then we spent the night joking around and talking. They were the best friends a girl could have. Leah and I had been friends since middle school. She was short and really pale with jet black hair, and green highlights on the tips. She always wore really dark eye makeup, but I wouldn't call her Gothic, she just wore it because it was the only thing that brought out her electric blue eyes. Jake, on the other hand, was the total opposite of Leah. He came from Africa in the 8th grade. It took him awhile to learn English, but Leah and I helped him, and in turn not only did we learn how to speak Ashanti, but Jake, Leah and I became best friends. Jake is a tall and muscular guy, who is not only the captain of the lacrosse team and mathlete team, but he is also the school president. I don’t know how I fit in there, but somehow I did. I was just an average student, nothing about me brought attention, like Leah with her exotic looks, and Jake with his brains. I had the same problem every other mixed ethnic person had with belonging. I was normal, nobody to remember. We were totally different, but in a way our differences complimented each other.

My smile diminished when I saw my dad's burgundy Cadillac in the driveway. I watched Jake walk back to the drivers seat of his Honda.  "My dad probably didn't even notice I wasn't home." I whispered, too low for him to hear. It hurt to say that, but it was true. I bet I could show up tomorrow, and he wouldn't even care, I thought.

Jake looked at me before getting into his car. We held each other’s gaze for a while, until I forced my eyes away. "Well.. good night..." Jake looked like he wanted to say more, but he decided against it and got into his car.  "Happy Birthday again!" He called to me as he started the car.