Me Without You

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

August 1999, New York

If a hospital is like the city centre at rush hour during the day, then it's like a deserted parking lot at night. You know, the kind where the junkies hang out at 2.30am.

But then, I wouldn't know how it feels. It's like the button that controls my feelings has been switched off, and I'm completely and utterly numb. I can't feel anything. I can't think anything. The only thing that I know is that Danny's dead, and that life as I know it, is over. There just isn't any point.

He's the reason I'm here today. When I met him at eighteen, I was...on the brink, shall we say. And he made me see things differently, feel differently about myself and the rest of the world. I became the confident person I'd dreamt of being all my life.

And now...now what?

A tear slides down my cheek, then another, followed by another. Maybe I was wrong about not being able to feel anything.

Oh, God, I just can't believe it. My gorgeous, beautiful Danny Blake Carter is gone. Gone never to return. He wasn't even twenty-five years old, and his life's been snatched, just like that. His heart's stopped beating, his brain's shut down.

He had so many dreams and ambitions; we had so many dreams and ambitions. Like going to volunteer in Third World countries. Our wedding. The children we'll never, ever have. The house we would have-

"Scarlett?" A soft voice at the door interrupts my inner tirade. I know it's not the doctor. He did his rounds fifteen minutes ago. Tried to get me to talk, which of course I didn't. Then, accepting defeat, he left, promising to be back with my test results as soon as possible.

As if I actually cared, or something else equally as stupid.

"Scarlett? Could I come in?"

"Yes," I grunt, not really bothered who it is. It's not like they'll stay.

However, it turns out to be someone very, very familiar. My best friend, Beth. I've known her since we were still in diapers. She runs over to the bed, taking in my dishevelled appearance. At once, her pretty face crumbles, and she starts to cry. "Oh, Scarlett, sweetie, come here. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Sorry.

How is sorry the hardest word?

It's meaningless nowadays.

I don't want to cry in front of her. But the fact that she's hugging me is just a warning sign that it's about to happen. Right...about...now.

The tears start falling before I can stop them, cascading down my cheeks and landing everywhere; Beth's T-shirt, her hair, my hospital gown, everywhere.

I can hear high-pitched howls, and screams, somebody shouting out a name through the chaos. It takes me a minute or so to realise that I'm the one howling and screaming.

"Scarlett. Scarlett, I'm here, sweetie. It's okay, I'm here. I'm right here. Shhhh."

"He's dead! He's-he's-DEAD! I can't-I can't..."

"Scarlett. Scarlett, I'm here."

I don't know how long I lie there, sobbing in her arms, but eventually, I stop. I can't cry anymore. It's impossible. I just feel numb inside, a broken shell of the girl I used to be. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life?

I never imagined a life without Danny. From the moment we met, I planned my life out, every single detail, from what I'd wear on our first date to potential baby names.

And now I have no choice but to imagine a life without him.

"What's the point?" I mutter.

Beth stirs. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what's the point of...living, if this is how my life's going to be from now on?"

"Scarlett, sweetie, you can't think like that. I know life as you know it has been destroyed. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now. And you're always going to miss Danny, and love him. But what would he want you to do? Give up or keep going?"

"What's the point if I have to do it alone, Beth? He's gone. He's dead. He left me."

"You need to keep going, if not for yourself then for Danny. I know I sound harsh. But that's what he'd want. And you're not alone, Scarl. You have me, your mum, your dad, Lauren, Marco..."

Just at the mention of my family, I feel like curling into a ball and crying again. "I don't want to see anyone."

"Scarlett, you need everyone around you right now."

"What are they going to do? Bring Danny back? No, obviously not."

"No, they can't bring Danny back. But they can support you, look after you, and I will too."

"What, because you're afraid I'll kill myself?!" I exclaim. "I don't need anyone."

"Scarlett-"

"No, it's true! I don't need anyone! Not you, not them. I just...I just want Danny."

Beth pulls me into her arms again, and I start sobbing again - not that I was aware there were any tears left.

"It's surreal, isn't it?" I sigh, once I've stopped and Beth's handed me another box of tissues. "How your life can change so much in a couple of hours. I was going to marry him. In two days. We were going to be happy together. I just don't understand it."

"Nobody does, sweetie," Beth replies, sadly stroking my hair. "It's a terrible, terrible thing, and you didn't deserve it. I hate seeing you like this. And I know it's hard...but you have to stay strong."

Stay strong. The two most overrated words on the planet.

I don't say anything, so Beth says "The doctor said your family will be here soon."

"Great."

It's not that I don't love my family. I do, I love them all to pieces. Even when my divorced parents bicker every time they're in the same room.

I just can't deal with them all now. I don't want to deal with Dad's concerned face and his sour wife Zoe looking over his shoulder. I don't want to deal with Mum fussing over me. I don't want to deal with Marco and Lauren, my brother and sister, trying to hug me and looking at me with pity. Hearing them whisper "Poor Scarlett."

I just can't deal with anything right now.

"Beth, could you stall them?" I ask in a small voice. "I'm not ready to see them all yet. It's just...too much."

"Okay, I'll tell them you're sleeping. But...you can't avoid this forever, Scarl."

Too right.