Listen When I Say the World Sucks.

'Cuz every story needs a narrator

So I might as well explain myself.

Not really.

I don’t know how this happened either.

I was actually quite lucky.

I missed almost all the action.

Keep in mind the thing people say about truth and fiction.

Then, stick it on a gold plate and stuff it down their throat.

Yeah, I’m a vindictive bastard.

For me, life had a way of screwing everything over.

My fifth birthday, on which I might be able to see my father who was in the armed forces at, was snowed away.

It was mid-May.

He was detained and then passed along to the next base.

I didn’t see him until the end of that tour.

Then, when I was ten, I went to a game.

I caught the home-run ball.

Some beer-gut oaf stole it.

And my father was hit by a car the same day.

He died.

I was fifteen the next time.

My mother remarried in Vegas while I was at a boot camp.

The old pervert tried to rape me the first day.

Stands to say, I still have that restraining order in place.

I was twenty when my girlfriend left me for someone else.

She was four months pregnant.

The child wasn’t mine.

And unless science made some freakish leaps while I was in shock, I was pretty sure the kid didn’t belong to the-person-she-left-me-for.

I’m sure someone would have told me if women can get together and make kids.

I mean, I would be out of a job.

Did I mention my mom died of a heart attack?

She was only forty and didn’t show any indication of bad health.

So as I’m sure you’ve seen fives are the ways things go for me.

Life is a “insert your favorite profanity here” car crash of calamity.

It was just a matter at the time that 5^2 happened thing would be freaking terrible.

It was the best day of my life, if you disregard the end bits.

 I woke to my alarm clock going off on time on a Thursday, something that never happened.

My current girlfriend didn’t try to kill me or smash my face in or anything that could have possibly happened.

Use your imaginations; I only listed those because they did happen.

I still have no idea why Becca Roberts whaled on me in the tenth grade.

Becca, care to explain?

Anyway, I worked the nine-to-five at my go nowhere job.

And that day, I got promoted.

My favorite Indian place didn’t have the half block line at lunch.

Hey, I’m a pretty simple guy that likes samosas. I really had to include it.

And my girlfriend had a surprise.

I liked the way she said surprise.

And it all went to hell.

The team I supervised was so inept they dropped a water tank on me.

I still have no idea how that was possible since we didn’t have any water tanks in the office.

But, I ended up in a hospital doing something that reminded me of House.

I went through who knows how many scans.

Actually, the doctors would know but they are busy at the moment.

Then, like something straight out of a Grey’s Anatomy, I catch my girlfriend kissing the doctor.

And worst part was, I had the inane ability to choose that moment to slip into a coma.

So you all wonder what being in a coma is like.

It’s like being trapped in a dark room and there is to light switch.

Well, it was for me. I don’t know about the rest of you.

So I muddled about doing whatever it was the brain did.

Then I saw the light.

Everything I knew was different.

For one, I had half a head of hair.

Secondly, I was starving.

Thirdly, there were zombies.

Yeah, you heard that last bit.

Now you know why I didn’t tell you how many times my head went through that scanner.

And why I brained a zombie.

This is would be a great time to cut to commercial.