I decided to sit alone on my aunts porch. Pulling my knees up to my chin, I sigh heavily. The street lights were shining down the narrow street and I stare out into the distance. One by one, men from different houses starts folding out chairs while the woman went and got the beer. The kids, I'm guessing, are fast asleep upstairs and tonight is the last night to enjoy themselves before work the following morning.
I hear loud laughing from behind me and I know it belongs to my uncle Curtis. The smell of barbecue chicken makes my stomach growl and I fold my arms over it to try and quiet it. I haven't eaten in days (four to be exact) and I know I should get up and fix myself a plate.
But I can't
My heart races at the thought of asking for food. "You don't eat at home?" Is what my cousin Lamar would ask which, I know, would fill the kitchen with laughter and judgments. "Her mother don't do shit around the house. I'm surprised they're not brain dead yet."
They're not wrong, ya know
I close my eyes and sigh heavily. It's not easy standing up for her when other people know more about her than her own kids. Some things about her I know I would never know. But I do know that she's trying and I haven't given up on her.
Not yet...
It must've been a good hour before everyone started to leave, avoiding me on their way out. My cousins snickered and whispered as they walked pass and I looked away from them. As cars started to pull out of the drive way, I heard the screen door behind me open. I don't move because I didn't want who ever it was behind me to see my tears.
"Come on," My aunt Dot said. "I wanna give you something to take back with you."
I stood up and made sure my face was cleared before turning and entering the house.
I always loved her home and how much of a warm, welcoming feeling it gave me. My aunt was never much of a decorator but she did love stuffed animals. She had them every where and it brought more color to her home.
She leads me to the kitchen and I take a seat in front of a huge plate of food. My mouth was watering just looking at it and I slid my hands between my legs to stop them from shaking.
"I made it for you when I seen you walking down here," she said from behind me. "I knew you wouldn't come in so I just sat it there for you." Tears filled my eyes and the plate in front of me appeared blurry. "Go on. It's gonna get cold the longer it sits there."
I pick up the fork with shaky hands and I began stuffing my mouth. I felt my aunts eyes on me but I didn't care. The corn was so good and sweet and it made me realize how much I craved home cooked food. My aunt placed a tall glass of juice next to my plate and I look up at her. She smiled down at me and motioned for me to continue. "I can only imagine how hard it must be for you guys." I don't answer. Staring down at my empty plate, I take a huge sip of my juice.
She walks towards her pantry and begin placing different cans and boxes of food onto the table. "Your mother never comes to me about anything. I told her, I said 'Lucinda, if you need anything, you know I'm here' and she would say 'yeah I know' but I'll never see her unless she's drunk and barely able to walk." She grabs a box and places the food neatly inside as she continues to talk. "She's just so stubborn and has so much pride that she feels as though she don't need anyone. But I told her, I said 'Lucinda, you have to think about your children too. They can't handle being alone night after night while you're off-"
She jumps at the sound of me crying and she rushes to hold me. Startled at her sudden act of affection, I flinch away and she backs off. As she pours me another glass of juice, she continues. "I learned years ago that when it comes to your mother, you just have to let her go and learn on her own. That's what I tried to tell her father but he's just so ready to clean up her mess and..." she sighs heavily and she looks me in my eyes. I stare back at her and I can see her pain and sympathy as she looks me over. "You're a beautiful girl, Sadie. A very beautiful girl. Don't let her bring you down with her. I know you love her and I love her too. It's OK to cry sometimes and feel sorry for her. But DONT let her drag you down with her. You hear me?"
I nod my head and a tear glides down her cheek. Smiling, she quickly wipes at it and pulls me in for a hug. I buried my face into her neck and breathed in her scent of lavender soap. After that moment, she plays her radio as she cleans and I enjoy a big slice of lemon cake. Once I was finished, she told me not to worry about my dishes and get to hiking back home. Placing ten dollars in my hands and a kiss on my cheek, she holds the door open for me as I carry the box down the stairs and into the night.
***********
Quietly opening the door to the apartment, I slide in and close it behind me. Standing in the dining room, I place the box on the table. The street light through the kitchen window gives some light into the dining area and I take off my shoes at the door. Putting the food away, I notice a pair of black work boots and my heart drops into my stomach. Quickly but silently, I rush through the dining room, into the living room, then towards my moms room.
I pause at the door and I stare in horror.
My stepdad cradles my baby brother in his arms and kisses his forehead. The floor under me creeks and his head shoots up in my direction. I hold my breath as he narrows his eyes on me and slowly turns back to the baby.
"He has a fever," he finally said, his voice echoing through the room. "He was crying when I walked in and no one checked on him."
"I didn't mean to be gone this long," I said twisting my fingers nervously. "I was just getting some food for the house."
"And left your brothers here alone? What, are you stupid???" I can sense his anger from across the room and I looked down at the case of beer near the bed.
He's drunk...
He stood up slowly and I can tell he's also injured. He limps towards me and my body starts to Trimble the closer he came. Handing me the baby, he places one last kiss on his head and stares into my eyes. "Don't let it happen again."
His voice sent chills throughout my body and I nod my head. He nods head for me to leave and I rushed out the room and the door closes after me. Sitting on the couch, I begin rocking my baby brother in my arms. I knew he was getting sick so I asked my Aunt for some medicine to give him and she gave me what she had.
After giving him the medicine, he finally fell asleep and I walked to the room in the back of the house and placed him in his crib. My two other brothers were fast sleep on a air mattress and my sister and older brother were asleep on separate blankets beside them.
Sighing heavily, I walked back into the living room. It was already 3 in the morning and my mom still hasn't came home. I thought about waiting up for her, but I didn't want to see her face right now. I hate seeing her drunk so I try my best to avoid her when she's like that. Curling up in a ball, I stare out the window across for me and pray for her safety.
