A Penny for My Thoughts

Death

The picture is just for laughs. I saw it on Pinterest and I had just watched Mulan so I couldn't not include it.

People always say that there is a fate worse than death and as a human being, I am inclined to believe that it is true. And if it is true, then why do I feel this way?

Why is it that when I go to bed and fall asleep, I fear that I will never wake up? That I will leave behind nothing of significance. That when I die, nobody will care. Sure, they'll be sad for a week or two, perhaps a month at most, but then one day they will wake up and forget about my existence. They will forget me, the things I leave behind will be obsolete, and my legacy will cease to exist like a fire that's consumed all of its fuel. There is nothing left but ashes and broken dreams.

I'm afraid of being forgotten like that one can of tomatoes you have in the back of your pantry. It's stripped of its flimsy paper label that told you what it was, it's covered in dents and way passed its expiration date. You toss it into the trash. It's eventually sent to a too full landfill of cast away things while you replace it with a newer, better can of those mandarin oranges you loved so much as a kid that are gone within a week.

I'm afraid of dying like my great grandparents did. All of them were dead before I even started middle school. They wasted away in white cells that smelled like antiseptic, strapped into hospital beds like soulless husks of their former selves as they waited for someone to pull the plug.

I'm afraid of not being in control. I don't want to grow old if I just whither away in a room surrounded by too many strangers, not enough visitors, and that one nurse that knows your end is nigh.

Death is inevitable but if I'm going to die, I'm going out on my own terms.