Speak Now OR Forever Hold Your Peace

How It Happend

My soft curls rested on my shoulders as my head tilt back my eyes are closed trying to keep from blinking, as she applied the eyeshadow on each eyelid, i never really wore make up much maybe for special occasions, i wore no more than eyeliner and lip gloss on a regular basis. I sat there impatiently. My palms were sweaty and my mouth was dry, i was already late almost an hour late, the limo driver was already parked in front of the house. The photographer was snaping away & these bridemaids were in the mirror perfecting each strand of hair that was out of place, this white dress that was attached to me was perfect it complimented my large breast and allowed them to sit up higher than normal, it was big (the dress i mean) it was long and it flowed, it reminded you of a princess as my tiara sat before the veil on my head.

"ring ring " my sell phone ranged even louder as i ran down the hallway of the two bedroom apartment, i must've been in a deep day dream as i stood in the kitchen with the thoughts of my wedding day 3 years ago replaying in my brain. because the sound of my cell phone's ring tone startled me. i made my way into my bedroom and picked up the phone where it laid on my night stand, it's usual spot when im not using it. i pressed answer and place the phone up to my right ear.

"Hello" i said waiting for the voice on the other end.

"yeah, how are you" it was my husband, yes, my husband who i had been married to for 3 years, i met him 6 years ago. i had just got out of a bad relationship and i needed reparing, i was looking for a job at the moment since i had recently roomated with one of my good friends, i applied where he worked and he started small conversation with me, we exchanged numbers, dated on and off throughout the years, i got pregnant and we got married 8 months after Addison was born, i was 24-years-old at the time, it looked good and it sounded good, besides who else was going to marry me, i have been struggling with my sexuality all of my life and felt as though i have completely given up on women since Lauren (the last women i dated before i was married) had basically broken me in half, i wanted love, i wanted someone to love me, at that point it didnt matter if it were a man or a woman, and not to mention i was a mother and didnt want to be looked at as all the other young women at my age were looked upon, baby daddy drama, or just a single mom period, although a baby dont hold no man niether does a marriage, i knew that i truly wanted to be a wife, i just wasnt sure if i wanted to be his wife, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that i didnt love the guy, because i'd be lying if i say that i didnt, we have been through quite a lot over the years to have not grown any love for him. i didnt want to be judged was the main thing for me, truthfully i wasn't into men, i was just opening my mind.although i have been with men, plenty not plenty sexually, but plenty to know that it isnt what i want. i have also dated women to know thats where i belong and where i truly wanted to be. but at that moment being alone was NOT an option for me, so i sucked it up, i took a shot and now here iam 3 years later a got damn Army wife, Unhappy and i have completely forced myself to live a lifestyle that I am not totally comfortable with.

"hello" hello" hello" Anthony shouted through the phone almost breaking my ear drum

"oh sorry i-i-i couldnt hear you" , i lied i was deep into thought once again, which i usually do most of the time.

"how are you" he asked, the background was loud and he sounded a bit muffled up, it has been this way for months he usually call twice a day while he's in Afghanistan to check up on Addison and i.

"Everything is fine, Addison is in bed and i've just been relaxing most of the day"

"i miss you guys" he responded

"we miss you too Anthony, but i'm serious about what we talked about yesterday"

"i know you are serious, i'm just trying to deal with it all"

"well imagine what i'm dealing with, i'm experiencing what it's like to be a single mom for the first time and you are on the damn internet asking other women for sexual videos of them masturbating, i told you i'm completely done with you, i have sacrificed a lot, even my damn sexuality when you come back from this deployment i'm divorcing you and that is final" i said to him

"could you just calm down and stop yelling for a minute" he said in a stern voice

"i'm not yellin, but how in the hell you expect me to feel Anthony? i'm your wife" i replied

"i understand that, but you don't think wanting to divorce me is a bit extreme Sadie, i do one thing wrong and you are ready to leave".

"Anthony that is a form of cheating wheather it was phyiscal or not, so hell no, i dont think it's extreme, dont you think it's a bit extreme to ask another woman for sexual videos?

"listen i have to go, i got a mission in 45 min,i called to check on you and Addison but obviously the conversation just did a 360 love you both bye" he said

"yep bye" i replied while hanging up the phone.

i laid the phone down on the night stand and tip toed into the hall way and made my way into Addison's bedroom i wanted to check on her before i actually laid down myself, she was sound asleep, i went into the room and kissed her forehead, i walked away and closed the door behind me quietly.