Orange Bottles

A new day has dawned, and everybody is just waking up, while I am just falling asleep. It had been a long, dark night; sleeplessness haunted me even still for as long as I can remember until my eyes were too heavy to pry them open with my ever-exhausting muscles. I am still so tired that I can't sleep.

The tangerine sunrise flooded through my window, coloring my walls and illuminating the orange bottles scattered across the house.

I stare at these orange bottles; how I wish to dump their contents on the table, count each little pellet over and over again, take them with a warm cup of tea. No, not yet-- wait for it.

I dress myself and then go out to the living room and lay on the sofa. I try and try for hours to fall asleep; I can never fall asleep.

I stare up at the ceiling and watch it slowly turn from that tangerine color to lighter and lighter shade of orange. I light a candle and watch the ruddy-orange flame flicker and melt the wax.

I begin to pace. I ask myself the same questions that I seem to ask.

Why am I still here?

What am I doing?

What would happen if...?

I trail off. I pick up one of the orange bottles and place it on the coffee table in front of the couch. I sit down and stare at the bottle for a long time.

I find a spare piece of paper coupled with a pen. I think for a long time. What is there to say?

Haven't I already said enough?

Haven't I already done enough?

What if I haven't said enough? What else can I say?

I close my eyes and think for a long time; I need to choose my words carefully, carefully explain what is going to happen, what has happened.

It takes me a long time to write. When I finally finished, I perfectly centered the paper on the coffee table and placed the pen across it. I picked up the orange bottles and poured the pellets on to the table, and I placed the orange bottle on the corner of the table. I find two more bottles and do the same to them.

I make myself a cup of tea. As it brewed, I look around the house one last time and wonder: what happens now? I will never find out, but that's okay.

I sit back on the couch, taking in a warm sip of tea. I pick up the pellets one by one, there are so many that I lose count.

I lay back down on the couch and I focus on the orange color from the inside of my eyelids. Finally, I can fall asleep.