I was terrified of coming back... and in all honesty, I only came back to say goodbye to all of you...
This last month I've been going through some real shit that involved my mother. She's one of the best woman I've ever met in my life and I love that woman with all of my heart. I know every guy's idol is usually their father but my dad wasn't always around when I was a kid, so all I really had was my mom and little sisters.
Recently, we found out that my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and she's been in the hospital for the past month.
It's been tough for me to come here because I've had to take care of my younger siblings, thus making me feel even worse when I have to explain to them that our mother is busy dying.
It feels like I'm on some sort of rollercoaster and at the moment, everything just felt like it was going downhill...
I started cutting again and in all honesty, I was terrified that my siblings would accidentally walk in and catch me. They're young but not young enough to not know what depression and suicide is and if they were to see me in such a vulnerable state, I dunno what I would do.
To make matters worse, my ex saw my cuts and she started to freak out and we ended up fighting. We haven't spoken to one another in an entire week and I feel as if I've ruined everything. My grades are slipping and days just seem to be getting harder and I've come to this point where I dont even want to get out of bed anymore.
I was planning on killing myself today, and I even had a damn suicide note written out with a bunch of apologies to everyone, but for some damn reason I came here because I needed to say goodbye...
But as I logged in... I got over 200 notifications from people asking me if I was okay, some were even people I didn't know! :')
I read each and every one of your messages and I feel like total shit for not replying to some of you, but Im litterally shaking as I write this and- even though this isn't manly- I'm crying like a little wuss! xD
To those of you who haven't already realised this, I've decided to throw the suicide note away and not do it. I just really wanna say thanks to all of you who worried about me... you guys dont understand how much it means to me... I feel like an asshole because there are two specific girls I've been hurting, and I hope they're reading this.
Babe, if you read this, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and I don't want you to leave! I really do love you, and I dont want to lose you <3
Love, thank you so much for spamming my mb to the point where I couldn't stop laughing and all those kind messages <3
You two know who you are and I just need to say thank you :')
Sincerely, Jordin! CX
