Broken {Romantic Novel}

Chapter 1: Summer Break

Finally summer break had started, the weather was great, the sun was shining and there was not a cloud to be seen on the sky. It was the first day of summer break and usually I felt happy and excited to no longer have to go to school in the morning, but this year it was a bit different. The feeling of relief and freedom was no longer there and instead it just felt like there was a big piece of my life missing, I'd already lost three so now everything sort of fell apart I guess.

The feeling itself was nothing I hadn't felt before, believe me when I say that missing someone or something that is out of your reach is a feeling that never leaves me. When something that big happens for you to feel that way you never really recover, or I mean at least not fully.

Of course the people around you always try to help but it's hard to suddenly feel okay again, at least for me it is. I never really knew how to deal with the emotion so it was just always there, but sometimes it would cause me to have panic attacks and such. It was like my body told me that I should be feeling and reacting more than I was, and that this was my body's way to make me realise how big of an effect it had on me, without me truly accepting it.

It's never really been something I talk about and when it happens the people around me always asks 'what's wrong?' and 'how can I help?', but the truth is I don't even know it myself. And if I were to know the answer I would have taken action a long time ago, but for some reason it just doesn't really bother me anymore.

I've gotten used to it, but of course the panic attack itself can be both big and small but I learned to know the signs beforehand so I can at least attempt to help myself out. It's usually memories or something that someone says or does that makes me remember, it's like my body hurts so much from it that it just freaks out. And there really isn't much I can do to stop it, it just happens.

A lot of people have panic attacks, so it's not an unusual thing at least, and knowing that it's not only me helps to deal with it. Once I read online that it can occur when traumatized or scarred from an event, or sometimes it can have to do with other things like social anxiety, I'm sure that there are even more reasons than these but I guess it does match up.

I don't have social anxiety, at least I don't think I have, I'm quite a fun and nice person to hang out with, I think. But I mean like everyone I have my ups and downs, and sometimes the downs can become a bit to much, and I think that I have more downs than what people usually do. For most of the time I'm happy and smiling, but it's on the inside I feel different. But I don't want to show it, I don't know if it's that's a bad thing but that's how I feel sometimes.

It's like I'm afraid to show people that I was hurt, or still am I guess, hurt in a way that never will go away. And telling myself those words 'It's never going to go away' is sometimes what makes the downs I have even worse, and it makes the idea of speaking about what I'm feeling stupid. As if I was supposed to share this big thing with everyone, and complaining about it, but in the end what would be the point since it's going to be there anyway.

As a girl, of 18, there are a lot of things that can stress you out. I'm sure no one is unfamiliar with stereotypes and group pressure to look or act a certain way in order to 'fit in'. 'Fit in' is probably the dumbest two words ever put to use, why does fitting in ever have to be important. Fitting in automatically means that some will and some won't.

It's like that little box kids used to have when younger, the one with the figures and then you were supposed to fit the right closs into the right hole. But with life it's like it one big round hole, and most people are a circle, so they fit right in. But what happens with the squares, triangles, rectangles and such, I'm sure you get the geometry metafor. It's unfair and stupid how it's like that, and people know it but it's never really going to change at least I don't think so.