purely my life

CHAPTER ONE

3 months ago.

I think all I wanted was attention.

Growing up I wasn't the most popular of kids, I wasn't the golden child nor was I ever really... Liked.

But I wasn't hated, I had a good life, others had it worse.

I had always been the loud, obnoxious and well, spastic child in the class. Never was there a time that I could sit still for longer than 20 minutes, if I did, my eyes would've been glued to a screen.

Funny how that's the only thing that could tame me. Really shows what sort of person I was. Or still am?

I think now, I sort of realize that well, life really sucks balls.

I always get this strange, null aching. It's an empty and sourceless sadness. It's a numb feeling, a numb feeling where I also felt every emotion that has ever been felt. It's so, so, very strange.

I never really knew what caused it, I just knew I was always so sad.

"You're doing it again, Isaa." Said a brunette haired girl with a fair, pale complexion. She turned to me, a small frown on her face. "You're thinking about him aren't you?"

I looked at her, a small smile present on my face.

"It's been months Frankie, I thought I would've gotten over him by now. I never saw myself as this type of girl." I looked down into the palm of my hands, my fingers were laced together and they were shaking a little. Not because I was almost on the verge of breaking into tears, but because I was honestly, really damn cold.

What I had been wearing was a normal tee and blue jeans, blue jeans that has always been my go to. Not one person has seen me with any other kind of pants.

So? I favour my jeans, shoot me.

"There's no time limit on healing hun," she said, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I still had my head down and my eyes resting on the palms of my hand, analyzing them as if I totally haven't had these same pair of hands for years.

I knew she was right, I knew I had to take my time to move on. He was my first love of course. The first heartbreak is always the hardest.

"When I first met him Frankie..." I mumbled, reminiscing to the times Ray and I first started talking. "I didn't care much about him honestly. When I was sad and he was trying to console me, I didn't care about his opinion. I didn't care at all." I bit my lip. For so long I had wished that I could feel like that about Ray again. That I didn't actually had to feel anything about him, that I didn't have to care for him. "But then, one day, it all changed. Just like a light switch. He became everything." I breathed out, my throat felt like it was closing up and my eyes were stinging.

I felt Frankie readjust herself on the couch, her eyes were still on me, watching me intently. Her hands were now in her lap and she was relaxed against the arm of the couch.

I had talked about Ray to so many people so many times, I was beginning to feel like a burden. But I couldn't help it, I was desperate to talk to someone. It always felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders when I did, I felt better. But it never lasted for long.

"I began to love him, Frankie. Do you understand? I really felt what love was. I felt so loved and I got addicted to that feeling. I got addicted to his love and affection. It was going so good and then he had to.." I exhaled slowly once again, looking deeply into the palms of my hands. "He went ahead and forced a kiss on a girl at his graduation after party. But I forgave him cause I really believed he felt remorse and that he really did love me. But I got paranoid Frankie, I got so paranoid after that. I transformed into a jealous girlfriend from a trusting one." I licked my chapped lips, looking up at Frankie that was sitting across from me. Her vivid blue eyes made eye contact with mine, she smiled politely again.

"It's okay, I'm listening." She nodded and so did I.

I began telling her everything, though she had heard this multiple times before, she was restless. Never had she told me I was being dramatic and a sensitive butt hurt sook. Never once has she made me felt as if I was stupid for feeling this way. She has always just been there.

"I lost my virginity to him. I think it made the breakup harder too, I don't know. It's like, I'm tied him in a sense. I really don't know.." I clenched my eyes for a second before looking up at the ceiling waiting for the tears to return back into my eyes. I couldn't cry, I didn't want to. It was that fact crying made me feel weak and pathetic that I was shedding tears over a stupid redhead. But because I felt stupid, it made it worse. It made the gushing tears come out quicker and so much more. "I second think it all now. I don't know what was real. I really just want to know if he really did love me." My voice cracked at the last sentence, it's all I've really ever been thinking about.

Did he really care about me?

That day, I didn't cry.

At least not yet.

Ray had been my ex, and it hurt to still be wrapping my head around the idea that he wasn't going to be around anymore. There wasn't going to be a person to laugh and then cuddle me. Not a person who'd stay on a call with me simply because I couldn't sleep without them. Not a person who could make me go from hating the word babe, to loving it.

He was amazing.

An amazing liar.

The break up with Ray could not have come at a worse time. My family was broke, my mums in laws were taking a private leasing at one of her houses and stopped paying rent for a while. Owing over 20 grand. They were very aggressive and she was too weak to do anything. The police couldn't even help kick them out since it was a "verbal agreement." My dad had constant fights with my a mum about his free loading family and sometimes it got out of hand.

To the point where we went to court against my dad.

I have mixed feelings for him.

He's an ass really.

I mean he hurt my mum, how could I possibly forgive him?

But he also put a roof above my head, supply the food that goes into my stomach and  paid for the education I received. Would I be ungrateful if I wanted him to go for jail for what he did?

He may not be my biological father, but he's the only one I know of.

Everything was falling around me, crashing and burning.

I was so lost.