The 3rd:
Today is sad. I feel like I love someone I don't know. I know he doesn't love me. I feel as though I'm not going to be with him for very long. Who is he? I don't even fucking know him. What does he feel? How does he feel about me?
A few days ago, his dad and step mother came by. Everything was fine. We painted and cleaned a little. His dad asked him to go to the store for a few things. Things are good. We (him, his two roommates, and I) all pile into the car and head out
We browse through the store, taking everything in. We get what we need. He asked me to pick the shower curtain, so naturally I did. We buy cream sodas in fancy glass bottles and we're enjoying each other.
He slipped up, he didn't mean to. I feel weird. Like there isn't a word to describe the strange churning in my stomach. He hands his dad the shower curtain and so quickly says "Ash.. Jamie picked it out" why would he call me his ex girlfriends name?
I frequently question my motives with this boy. I question his intentions and feelings every moment that I spend thinking about him. Life is so weird. Why do I fear commitment and love? They aren't scary things so why are they so fucking terrifying?
Sometimes, the only way I know I feel anything at all is when I'm sad. It's like the anger never lasts long enough and the happy moments are for a second. But sadness... sadness stays for hours, days, months even. It's so raw and real and you cannot ignore it.
Insecurity is a killer. Your relationship will not survive when this beast rears it's ugly sour head at it. I wish I felt beauty in this body. I can't see what others see, apparently. How lucky they are that they don't see what I do.
The most universal feeling I can think of is love. Hate is a runner-up. I love how he makes me feel but I hate that he doesn't feel it too. I love him but hate that he loved her at all. He cared so deeply. He still cares. But does he also care for me? I can't tell.
