Painful Bliss

May 10th, 2018

So, Nathan and I are done. We dated for almost a year. Obviously, we broke up, and I can't tell if it was the best or worst thing that has ever happened to me. He taught me many valuable things like: don't move in with someone after only dating them for two months, don't take shit from anyone,  and life is way too short to deprive yourself of happiness. 

It was confusing because it started off so well. When we first met, he was so attentive. He made sure I was happy. We would spend every day together, we did everything together. We would tell each other everything, because I am a believer that in a relationship clarity is important. I would tell him every single thing I did and thought and he would do the same. 

Something changed. To this day I'm not sure what it was, but ever since he got home from hurricane relief, he was different. I don't know what he saw at those islands, but whatever it was it changed him. He didn't smile as much and our relationship started falling apart. There was a brief period in time where we were good, when we went to visit his family in Arizona. Though, again, when we came back we fell into the same toxicity. 

One day I was determined to make it work. I sat him down and told him we needed to talk. He looked down, ashamed and told me he needed to tell me something. 

"I'm going active." 

Those three words rang through my head as I stared at him. My first instinct was to scream, to yell at him. To ask him why. He had promised he wouldn't. He had sworn to me that no matter what happened, he never wanted to go active duty. He knew that was something I could not deal with. So why would he do this to me. 

I didn't yell. I didn't scream. I collected my thoughts and told him I'd support him, because that is what the good girl does. She nods and complies. Though those toxic questions infected my mind with no mercy. Why would he do this to me? Where did this come from? Why would he break his promise to me? 

Why would he break his promise to me?

Promises are sacred. It may be childish, juvenile, but the second the words "I promise," come out of someones mouth, I expect everything that follows to remain true. He looked me in the eyes and told me he promised me he would never do that to me. 

"You promised." I whispered later that night as we were laying in bed. 

"What?" he whispered back, half asleep. 

"You promised me you would never go active." I spat, "You looked me in the eyes and you said 'I promise.' Now, you have the audacity to throw this at me, to break your promise, after all the bullshit I have gone through for you. After all the manipulation you put me through, and you expect me to just blindly follow you?" 

He paused, "I'm not doing this to lose you." 

"Well, you did." 

I got out of bed, and started packing. He jumped out of bed and grabbed the suitcase out of my hand, "I'm not doing this to lose you, Cleo!" 

I snatched the suitcase back and stared at him, "I know. You are not doing this to lose me. You are doing this for yourself. This is a decision you made by yourself, for yourself. I'm not mad at you for it. You're looking out for yourself. It's time I do the same." 

With that, I was out. I took all my stuff with one go and I left. Perhaps this was just an excuse for me to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, or maybe I was really hurt that he made this decision without me. Regardless, I knew I needed to end it. 

We were together for eleven months, and it has been about a month since we've broken up. I know it does not sound like it, but I am the happiest I have ever been. I am much less harsh on myself now. I dropped Pre-Med and Biology. Now I'm a Psychology major with a Pre-Nursing track. Also, I'm not vegan anymore. Man, life is too short for rules. I just want to have fun, and if it gets me killed, fuck it, I lived fast. For the first time in my life, I love myself. 

Also there's this guy... I guess he's cool... Yeah... We'll see.