When I was 17, I thought I had found love. Everybody thought I was crazy. Love is one of those things that you can't explain, and it varies between pairings. The feelings between two individuals cannot be expressed in a way that can allow others to feel the same feelings. Much like the feeling of love, we have the feeling of heartbreak. You cannot explain the individual pain to anyone else, as everyone experiences it differently. I've broken my arm before, that was painful. I've stubbed my toes on the corner of the couch numerous times. No physical pain compares to the day I broke up with Ashton.
Ashton and I were in a relationship for 11 months. We never made it to our 1 year anniversary because his band was shipped to the other side of the world to tour with One Direction. I am so proud of Ashton - music has always been his biggest passion, and we would lay awake at night sharing our dreams and he never believed he could make it. He was so insecure and so very wrong.
Ashton and I met in our last year of high school - I went to a different school to him, the same one that his band mates went to. He was picking them up after school once and I stupidly was not looking and almost walked out in front of his car. He didn't even hit me, yet he still got out of the car and insisted on taking my number to make sure I was okay from the shock. He later admitted that he just wanted to see me again, and we used to laugh about it all the time as if it was the next "did you fall from heaven" pickup line.
I was officially asked to be Ashton's girlfriend after our third date. He took me to the movies because I had expressed how much I love cinema popcorn in one of our conversations, and after driving me home he asked me out. It was three days after my birthday. When Ashton and the other boys - Luke, Calum and Michael - left Australia, it was one week before my birthday. I never got to have him spoil me like he had always promised. He hasn't sent one message since leaving. Granted I was the one who shut him out of my house, but I was upset. I didn't think he'd forget me so quickly.
Over the last two years I have begun my university course in Kindergarden Teaching. I love children and Ashton always encouraged me to do something that I love instead of something that would make a lot of money. I have had a few clubbing hookups as I did turn 18 just after he left, but I haven't had any serious romantic involvement since Ashton. Everytime I try, I can't get him out of my mind. I can't allow myself to fall for anyone else. It's stupid, because I'm sure he has had some sort of fling while on tour. They all would have. I don't know why I'm still hung up on a boy who has forgotten I exist.
I still follow the boys on twitter because I am proud of them and I like to see what's going on. This week they're expected to come home for an undetermined amount of time and I'm concerned. I don't know if I will see Ashton, and I don't know how my emotions will react if I do. I don't know how my emotions will react if I don't see him, either. There is a lot I don't know, other than the fact that I will never be able to be with Ashton ever again.
