More Than Monsters

Remember Every Scar

It was at nightfall that Raphael came to check on Simon once again. Rather than bursting through the door that time, he gently knocked and called out the fledging's name.

Simon honestly just wanted to be left alone right then, but he felt bad turning Raphael away after he'd been there for him, especially knowing that he was probably still worried.

So, Simon stood up from the floor where he was sitting and slowly made his way to the door. He pulled it open just enough for the two to make eye contact and not an inch more.

"Hey, Raph," Simon groaned, trying to mask both sleep deprivation and irritation.

Raphael gave Simon the exact concerned look that he didn't want to see. He didn't want the clan leader to worry about him. In fact, he didn't want anyone to worry about him.

"Can I️ come in?" Raphael asked, his voice soft.

Simon paused for a split second, trying to think of some excuse.

"Uh...well, actually I️ didn't too well so I'd kinda just rather be alone so I️ can rest a little bit," he said.

It wasn't entirely untrue. Neither of the two slept well after that ordeal. The only lie was that he didn't actually wish to rest. He simply didn't feel like dealing with anyone, despite the fact that he usually enjoyed the company of the older vampire.

Raphael nodded.

"You go do that. I'm going to head out for a bit, but I️ can come back if you need anything."

Simon was about to shut the door before Raphael added, "and don't forget to feed."

He still hated that word. Feed. It made him feel like an animal. No, it made him feel like a monster.

At that point in time, he felt hungry, but the blood was still too much of a reminder of what he had become and how much he hated it. He decided that he would much rather go hungry than feel even more like a repulsive monstrosity than he already did.

After he heard Raphael head back down the hall, he went back toward his bed. He sat down and opened the drawer on the nightstand. He glanced down at the golden Star of David necklace that had once belonged to his father.

Gently, he touched the chain and lifted up the necklace with his left hand.

"Monster!" he heard his Dad's voice say. "You know what to do."

He then opened up his right hand, exposing his bare palm. After taking in a few deep breaths, he dropped the necklace into his hand and closed his fingers around it.

This caused him to feel an intense burning sensation. In response to this, his fangs sprang free and he let out a loud hissing sound. Luckily for him, most of the vampires were out at that time.

He fought the urge to let go and instead closed his hand even tighter. His knuckles turned white from the amount of pressure and his fingers dug so deeply into his skin that he began to bleed.

He continued this for about thirty more seconds until he could no longer take the pain and dropped the necklace back into the drawer. He held up his hand in order to examine it. It was bloody, burned, and blistered, with a star shaped scar burned into the center of his palm. In a way, he was sort of proud of the scar. It felt like a symbol of atonement somehow.

However, he soon began to feel as if perhaps hurting himself was not such a good idea. It was not for the obvious reasons, but rather because it made his hunger intensify.

His mind wandered to the ground floor of the hotel where the blood was stored. His body, on the hand, remained still.

He then began to pace around the room, fidgeting anxiously while searching for a way to distract himself from how hungry he was. Sleeping was the obvious choice, but he couldn't take being haunted by the nightmares again.

Leaving the hotel was another option, but there were several reasons that he was opposed to that. For starters, in his current state the risk of losing control and feeding on a mundane was too great. Besides, he honestly didn't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone or doing anything. Even certain things that he normally enjoyed doing had eventually just become cruel reminders that he could never go back to being who he was before he died. He would never truly live again. All that was left for him was darkness, death, and being disgusted by his own reflection.

Perhaps it was just for the sake of torturing himself that Simon made his way to the mirror and looked at himself. He hissed at his reflection, causing him to become horrified by the sight of his own fangs. He looked at himself with the eyes of his human self who would have viewed him with fear, disgust, and contempt.

It brought him a temporary sense of relief when his fist flew full force toward the mirror, causing glass to shatter. With his enhanced hearing, the sound was harsh, causing Simon to cover his ears with his hands as glass shards fell to the floor.

After what felt like an entirety of pacing, fidgeting, daydreaming, and staring blood stain on the wall that he couldn't muster the energy to clean, he made his way back to his bed and sat on the mattress. He held up his right palm and examined the scar once again. He then opened up the drawer and grabbed hold of the chain in his right hand. He exposed his left palm and dropped the necklace onto it, creating another burn.

However, this time his screams did not go unheard. He had assumed that the hotel was still mostly empty as it was not yet sunrise, but Raphael let himself into Simon's room once again. The door was already unlocked, since Raphael had already taken it upon himself to break the lock in response to Simon's most recent night terrors.

Almost immediately, he was at his fledging's side. Startled, Simon let go of the necklace, causing it to fall onto the floor below them. The older vampire's gaze went down toward the necklace and then back up at the fledging.

Raphael then proceeded to grab Simon's hand and forcibly examine it.

"Que demonios? What were you doing?" Raphael inquired, his tone growing angrier as he put the pieces together.

Simon stared straight ahead, avoiding looking at the older vampire.

"Nothing. It's nothing," he lied, snatching his hand away from Raphael.

Raphael then maneuvered slightly in order to stand directly in front of Simon. Simon turned his head away in response, but he could still feel the other's icy stare piercing into the ghost of a soul that no longer existed.

"Don't you dare lie to me! Why the hell would you do that to yourself?" he scolded.

Simon let out a sigh. There was a brief moment of silence as Simon shook his head in disbelief. This got even more of a rise out of Raphael, however, the fledging spoke before he could get another word in.

Simon turned toward Raphael and looked up to meet the gaze of his standing figure.

"Why would you? You think you're so good at hiding but you're not. I've seen the cross marks on your skin. I know you do the same thing," Simon snapped, beginning to raise his voice.

Raphael was clearly taken aback by this. He felt a sudden a twinge of guilt, as if the fledging hurting himself was somehow his fault. He was supposed to be strong. He was supposed to be a leader, and yet he couldn't even break his own habits. He should have been more careful.

He turned away slightly. He placed his head in his hand and shook his head.

"This isn't about me," he said softly.

He then took a moment to scan his surroundings. He particularly took note of the burst open blood bag on the floor, and the blood that stained the wall and carpet. He also noticed the shattered mirror and the glass shards around it. He then looked back at Simon.

"What's going on with you?" Raphael inquired, attempting to stay calm.

Tears began to well up in Simon's eyes.

"I️ don't know," he whispered, choking up a little bit. There was so much fear in his voice, and it made Raphael just want to protect him from his inner demons.

Raphael sat on the mattress next to Simon. He then placed an arm around the fledging.

"It's okay. We'll figure this out, together. I'm going to get you through this. Io prometo."