Perfect Vaction

Why? Just Why?

~Klaus's Point of View~

With Holden laying on my chest, his breathing matching mine,it made me feel relaxed.  He really was the only guy I ever wanted because, well, he tolerates my bullshit.  He knows shit about me that nobody else does.  I just wish that I could stop blacking out and abusing him.  It's not my fault; it really isn't.  My whole childhood was a mess.  Sometimes, I wish I was never even alive.
I looked out the window and admired the sunset.  Yeah, it's there every day but for some reason, it made me feel all warm inside; it was as if I was finally relaxed being out of that house.
"Hey guys," Holden's mom started,"do you wanna stop at Burger King and grab a bite to eat?"
"Hell yes," Uncle Shithead said.
"I would," I responded.
"Alrighty then, let's go"
Without hesitation, Mary turned off of the highway and after a few stops and turns, we were at Burger King. 
"Hey, you guys go ahead.  Holden is asleep and he seems peaceful."
Nobody responded and just left.  I know they all hated me because of what I do to him, but I do love him.  I looked at Holden's head in my lap, and yes, he was peaceful.  I felt tears begin to stream down my cheek as it dawned on me that I really, truly loved this man yet here I was, smacking and abusing him.  I fucking forced myself upon him earlier today.  The rage that I felt inside of me was overpowering, and it wasn't towards anybody else but myself.  I could feel myself trembling as these thoughts entered my head.  I was so deep into my thoughts that I hadn't even realized that I was squeezing Holden's hand.

"Hey, baby, what's the matter?"

"Fuck Holden, you startled me."

"I'm sorry..."

"No, don't be... I am the one who should be sorry."

"How so?"

"Because I am a fucking abuser.  I take my own personal shit out on you and I hate myself for it because I love you, like, I want to be with you the rest of my life."

"So do I but..."

"No, you don't understand Holden, you are always there for me, no matter what the hell I do.  You treat me like I am your King yet I treat you like a fucking peasant.  I shouldn't use what my shitfaced father did as an excuse.  The fact that when he was in one of his drunken spurts he shoved my mother off of a third story balcony and killed her when I was six.  The fact that he would shove me through walls, leave bruises on my body, hell he even cut my arm one day with a broken beer bottle that left a scar to this day.  And of course, when I reached middle school he decided that it would be a good idea to use me as his sex toy and fuck me whenever he pleased.  The fact that I killed my own father because of the fact that he forced himself on me when you were around and I shoved him making him fall down the stairs and snapped his neck.  I cry every fucking night just thinking about all of this shit and this isn't even the tip of the fucking iceberg."

"Klaus, baby..."

"Holden, I know that I can never, EVER, take back all of the stupid bullshit that I have caused you but I am trying.  I'm trying to better myself not for me but for you.  God damn I sometimes wish that I was somebody else but then I wouldn't have you by my side.  If anything were to happen to me, and I mean anything, I will stay by your side in the afterlife forever.  My only goal in life is to make sure that you are happy and taken care of.  I love you Holden Roe."

"I love you too Klaus."

I leaned down and gave Holden a kiss and it was like our first time all over again.  What started out as a small kiss turned to a little tongue.  I broke free and looked at Holden.  His light blue eyes glimmered with the parking lot lights.  I smiled and gave him another quick kiss.

"Hey, everybody is inside eating, wanna join them?" I asked.

"Hell yeah I do, I'm fucking starving."

"Alright let's go."

Holden and I got out of the car and headed towards the entrance of the restaurant.  When we entered, the smell of greasy ass food and sweat filled the air.  Before Holden and I ordered out food, we stopped by the table where the family was sitting to say hi.

"Well, look who decided to join us," Holden's sister Barbra said.

"Yes but I brought Holden with me."

"Do you boys want something to eat?  I'll pay," Raymond said to us.

"Thanks Uncle Ray."

"You're welcome."

He handed Holden a twenty and the two of us went into the line, and of course it was long.

"Hey Klaus, I know that you don't mean to do what you do to me and I respect the fact that you are trying to better yourself for me.  I just want you to know that even though you are doing this for me, I also want you to do this for yourself because you are an amazing person and you need to think of yourself as a better person."

"Thanks babe, I love you."

"I love you too."

Eventually we made it to the cashier and ordered out food.  I got thirty chicken nuggets, fries, and a drink.  Holden order a burger, fries and a drink.  When our food was ready we took it back to the table where Holden's family was at.  Everybody gave me a look as we sat down and I just went with it; I deserve this.

I quickly ate my food and left the table.  I felt myself beginning to have a panic attack so I locked myself into a bathroom stall.  Once again my body was trembling, shaking because of what I was feeling.  I hated myself for feeling like this.  I hated the fact that Holden's family hated me because of a few fuck ups.  Like, I don't hit him on the daily it just happens once every so often.  Hell, I am seen as the spawn of Satan in our neighborhood because I accidentally killed my father,  Just, everything was closing in on me.

I knew that I shouldn't do it, but I needed something to help.  I wanted to FEEL something.  I reached into my pocket and grabbed out my pocket knife.  When I opened it, the blade glimmered in the light.  Fuck it, I thought to myself as I pulled down my pants.  I slowly put the blade to my leg and dragged it across my skin.  I flinched at the pain but it felt so good.  My body filled with rage as all the things I did to Holden entered my head.  I began to laugh uncontrollably as I started hacking away at my leg.  It was going deep, deeper than I had ever gone before, but I didn't care.  Holden deserved better than me and I just wanted to slice my throat and end it.  

I pressed the bloody blade to my neck and told myself to do it.  Just as I was about to, I heard the bathroom door open.

"Klaus, baby, are you alright?"

"No, just go away."

"Shit, not now.  Klaus, please, come out."

"No.  I can't live with myself anymore.  I just want to die."

"Not today you aren't."

Just then Holden kicked down the stall door and tried to grab the knife from my hands.  I fought to hold onto it but he looked onto my eyes and I knew.  I let go and Holden shoved it in his pocket, closing it first obviously.  I pulled up my pants and hugged Holden, squeezing him.  I felt his tears on my shoulder and I knew that out of all the times I hurt him, this hurt him the most.

"Baby..."

"If you ever do this again, I will hurt you.  Do you understand me?"

"Yes baby I do."

After about five minutes we broke the hug and I washed up my face; Holden did the same.  We left the bathroom just as the rest of the family was leaving the restaurant.  Everybody loaded up into the car and once again we were off.  his was going to be a long vacation.