Kissing Death and Losing My Breath

~

When Matt dreamed of what he'd be doing after the war, he didn't imagine it involving crying. Red rimmed, sore eyes, Matt furiously sniffles. Shiro's meeting with Allura and the Intergalactic Peace Committee is bound to end soon, and so is Keith's therapy appointment. In other words, his two partners will be coming home soon.

He wants to talk to them about it. He truly does. But is hard. He can't even seem to handle talking about it in therapy, a space made to help those with their struggles... He was imprisoned for longer than Shiro. He was submitted to torture, pain and suffering for far longer. Every time he was thrown into the arena he was expected to die. "He and the Champion are the same race? Really? He's so scrawny, so weak, so useless." He was meant to be bait, a side attraction to the main show. Part of him, a dark part debate to explain what was happening to him felt that maybe he deserved it. He is the one that convinced his soon to be retired father and recently graduated friend to apply to Kerberos. He was the reason why they were there. To make matters worse, he let them suffer. Shiro sacrificed himself for him - took his place and for what? To lose his arm? For Matt to fail to find him and his father before the both suffered?

And Keith... Keith's father disappeared. His mother turned out to be an alien. While he was struggling, while he was alone worrying about him and Shiro, was focusing on himself. By him leaving, by both of them leaving, they left him alone. Oh so horribly alone.

The logical part of him knows that there's no way he could've predicted all of this, that there is a limit to what he can do but... But the emotional part of him blames himself for everything. He feels guilty for not only what happened, but making Shiro worried but Keith and his family worried.

There's so much he needs to talk about. There's so much he wants to tell them but... The past makes him nervous, anxious and incredibly scared. Everytime he thinks about bring it up, he finds himself changing the subject, or on the brink of tears. Kinda like now.

The slow creaking of the bedroom door interrupts his thoughts. The first to return home is Keith, who abandons whatever true reason he came to the bedroom to sit next to him. "Do you want to talk about it?" Keith asks, voice soft but touches even softer, an arm winding around Matt's back, pulling him close.

His usually "no" is on the tip of the tongue, just waiting to be said. "I..." Matt replies, with one last sniffle, "I do and don't... I just got thinking about everything. The past. What happened to me. What it did to you and Shiro. What happened to you and Shiro. Talking about it is hard. When I try to talk about it I just think about it more, and when I think about it more I feel it more and... It's overwhelming. I don't know how I can talk about it without crying. I don't know how to comfort you two... I feel like I can't say anything right, do anything right."

"Then stop focus on the 'rightness," a new voice - Shiro's voice adds, joining them in the bedroom. "Sorry I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I just heard talking and I wanted to make sure everything was okay." Sitting on the other side of Matt, he gently kisses the top of Matt's head. "I'm not entirely sure what all of this is about but I want you to feel like you can talk to us. Or at least, feel around us. If you don't want to talk, maybe we could just cuddle instead? I, and I'm sure Keith feels the same way, just want to know we're here for you. No matter what has happened, or what may happen."

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Keith says, taking the opportunity to give Matt a kiss on the cheek. "Although we can give you space if that's what you really want."

"I've had my fill of space," Matt replies, worming out of Keith's embrace in order to scoot further back on the bed. "So both of you, come cuddle before I start crying again."

Keith and Shiro don't need to be told twice, joining Matt. Each letting an arm rest on Matt's waist, Keith whispers comforting words into his ear while Shiro covers his face in kisses, on pausing to wipe away what remains of Matt's tears.

"Healing takes time," Keith notes, "and we've got all the time in the world. So just take a deep breath and let us love you."

With a loud, exaggerated inhale, Matt soon finds himself chuckling. "I love you two. Mhm, the middle spot really is the best spot. We should do this more often."

"You're a love hog," Shiro teases, leaning over to give Keith a quick kiss. "We can do this more often but we need to take turns. I wanna be in the middle too. And I bet Keith does too. It's like one giant, hug and kiss sandwich."

"I call dibs on the next time," Keith says, indirectly agreeing with Shiro's suggestion. Pausing to kiss the back of Matt's neck, he soon adds, "but we can talk about that later. For now, we should focus on Matt." Growing tired of being unable to see Matt's face, he leans in order to give his face a few kisses. This soon results in a light-hearted argument about who, Keith or Shiro is being a "Matt hog." By the end of the "argument", they're laughing and kissing, doing their best to make sure that EVERYONE present gets some kisses.

When he was imprisoned, Matt felt like he was in a sick, twisted relationship with death... The only constant that being the suffering around him.

Now... Now his constants are his partners, who make him happy, who make him feel alive for the first time in a long time.