And I Fell

16 - The Secret

I started bawling my eyes out as soon as I got home that night. Since she came home early, my mom saw me run upstairs to my room. She asked me what was wrong as I was on my way up to the top floor of the house, but I told her I didn't want to talk about it. The truth was, it wasn't the fact that I didn't feel like telling her what the problem was. I just didn't want to relive what happened that day at school. For the most part, I tell my mom about everything that goes wrong in my life. This just wasn't one of those things I could speak about.

I sat at the desk in my room and slumped down in my seat. The tears kept falling no matter how many times I tried to stop them. I didn't want to appear as being a weak person. Ash probably went through comments a lot worse than the ones Valerie said to me. But after contemplating the situation, I started to suppose that I was weak.

I was so furious that I could be as gullible as I was. I actually didn't notice that my own best friend was suicidal. I actually didn't pick up on the fact that I was naive enough to believe Monica. To think that she was looking out for me for once. I even trusted Valerie when she tried to sabotage my part of the presentation. A surge of anger rushed over me and I swiped everything off of my desk and onto the floor. I was sure that my mom could hear the sound of everything hitting the carpet, but I didn't care.

Ash's diary thudded against the floor on its way down. As I bent over to pick it up, a page fell out from a hidden flap in the back cover. I opened up the page and read my old friend's words.

September 10,
Valerie has always made fun of me. She's bullied me relentlessly. This time, Monica has been joining in too. She used to only be a bystander, but now she's finding it hilarious to pick on me too. I always thought that maybe she was just scared and wanted Valerie's approval. I truly believed that was why she didn't say anything, because she didn't seem like she wanted to hurt me. Now I know that she doesn't care about me at all. No one does anymore. I know that I shouldn't have fought with Erin over Valerie. I've been feeling guilty about hurting her ever since. I just didn't want her to know the truth. Valerie had made a deal with me a few days before Erin and I's fight. She told me that if I joined the cheerleading squad, followed her around, and became another member of her clique, she would stop bullying me. If I didn't, she would tell everyone that I was gay and that I was in love with her. It wasn't true, but I didn't want even more people to torment me. I had to go along with everything she said. Despite how hard I wanted to agree with Erin's comment about Valerie, I couldn't. I had to make it believable that we had become friends. Valerie also knew about my parents and that they were planning a divorce. She knew all of my secrets and she used them to her advantage.

If only I had found that sheet of paper sooner. Since she had run out of pages, it was the last thing that Ash had written in her diary. I checked the flap in the back of the book and saw that there weren't any other notes tucked away inside. Still, I had learned that Monica was also a reason why Ash considered suicide. She was someone who Ash had believed was good deep down inside. Instead, she wound up being just as evil as the queen bee, herself.

At school the next day, I walked over to Stefanie and told her the truth about Valerie and Monica. I didn't want to keep that secret from her any longer. It was hard enough not being able to trust her with the letters I had been getting. There had to be some way to prove whether or not Stefanie was innocent.

"So you're being bullied?" she asked, turning her head to the side.

"I guess," I shrugged. "I don't know. Is there some kind of defining bullying spectrum where I can see how I compare to other victims?"

Stefanie gave me a confused look. "I don't think that's how it works. If you're being bullied, you would just know. Maybe she's just teasing you."

The two of us walked into the gymnasium for phys ed. Stefanie kept talking after we sat down on the bench together in the girls locker room. "Are you hurting?"