If I Were A Boy (Lesbian)

Chapter 1

(I'd love you)

We’d grown up together, she and I. So it was understandable these feelings that I had. The want to protect her and keep her safe. The desire to shield her from the world and all it’s painful, cruel jokes and games. I mean after all she was my best friend.  I looked down at the beautiful brunet girl who’s emerald green eyes that some times turned ocean blue where stained with tears. My heart leapt out of my chest as she tightened her hold on my waist and burrowed her head further in to my stomach. I ran a shaking hand through her dark brown wavy hair and held back the desires I knew I was feeling but wasn’t yet ready to admit. How could he do this to her? How could anyone? Why would anyone want to be with anyone else? She was funny and smart and oh so beautiful! As she grabbed my hand I felt butterflies take over my stomach.

                Even when she cried she was more beautiful then anyone I’d ever seen. “What did he say?” I asked in a hushed tone which could have very well been drowned out buy the sound of her sobs. “He s-said h-he doesn’t w-want me any more.” She sobbed. I hugged he shoulders and shifted from the uncomfortable position I’d been sitting in for the last two hours. “He wants her.” I thought aloud which didn’t rally help and she ended up hyperventilating as she laid her head on my cheats. I felt like such an idiot for saying that. I could see she was in enough pain what was wrong with me! “Abby I-“ I held her closer so she couldn’t see my face. “I don’t see how anyone could not want you.” I said honestly. She shivered a little bit and looked up setting her beautiful green eyes on my stone cold face that was softening more and more the longer she starred. “Why?” She managed to choke out.

                I inhaled deeply and kept my focuses on her bedroom wall that was almost as pink as I’m sure my face was right then. Maybe this was the time to tell her. Maybe I shouldn’t hide anymore. Those where the thoughts that went through my mind as I saw her breath taking eyes out of the corner of my baby blue ones. I leaned my head down to pier in to them. “Because Abby you’re…” I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t risk loosing her just because I had a crush! That would be crazy! “I’m…what?” She asked moving her head with mine. I couldn’t answer. I knew she knew. She had to. You’d have to be blind to not see it and even then the blind can hear the way I speak to her and with there developed hearing senses I’m sure they could hear my heart pounding out of my chest any time she looked at me, touched me, or even spoke to me. “You’re…you.” I said not wanting to admit what I was thinking. She moved her hand to the back of my neck and I swear my skin was on fire. “Kyler” she said my name softly causing my heart to sink. I took a deep breath. “I love you.” And there my heart went again. Beating out of control, ripping my rib cage open and making its way to my sleeve where I always wore it for her. “I love you too.” I breathed out.

                She bit her lip and sighed moving a peace of my short jet black hair out of my eye. “I know you do Ky.” She said leaning back and moving her hand from my burning neck. She crossed her legs Indian style and half heartedly smiled to me. I was unable to smile back though. What did she mean by that? “Wha-“ I started but she held a hand up to stop me. “Ky I’ve known for a while.” Yup she knew. Tears rose in my eyes and I could feel my body shake and my breathing slow down as if I some how thought  not making any noise including breathing would fix this. She rested her hand on my knee and the other one in my hand. I let my self look down at her hand in mine. “You know?” It caught in my throat as it came out. She squeezed my hand. “I’ve always known Ky.” She said interlocking her fingers in mine.

                “H-how?” I choked looking from our hands to her eyes. Her tears were gone and the only trace of them was the stains they left. She smiled. “Well do you remember when we were six and you asked me if I ever wanted to get married some day?” I laughed a small chuckle at the memory. “Yes” I said nodding. “Then I told you that I only wanted to get married if I could marry you.” I finished the memory for her. She squeezed my knee and snickered. “And you told me that I wasn’t a boy…so we couldn’t get married, but we would be together forever anyway.” I felt a lump in the back of my throat. “And but that if I were a boy you’d marry me-“ “too.” She finished for me. “I’d marry you too.” Her smile softened. “Kyler I’m straight.” She said biting her lip. I felt a tear fall as I looked at her and she whipped it way with her thumb as she held my face in her hand. “I-I know that.” I breathed looking away and she took her hand down placing it on the hand she already had holding mine. “But if I were a boy Ky…” she trailed off waiting for my to look at her so I did. “I’d marry you too.” I saw a tear rising in her eye.

                “I’d love you Abby.” I assured her and she smiled as the tear rolled down on to her beautiful face. “I’d be so good to you.” I could feel my palms start to sweat and heart speed up. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I said the words I’d wanted to say for so many years. “I wouldn’t be like him Abby. I’d hold you and never let you go and never once think about holding someone else.” My hands shook so hard I could just barely feel hers shaking too. My chest heaved in and out. “Ky I-” her voice cracked. “I love you Kyler, but I’m not in love with you.” My heart broke. It felt like it was being ripped out of my chest and shattered to a million peaces. I couldn’t even say anything. I was so hurt and I knew she could tell. She grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look in to her eyes that were just as watery as mine where. “But Ky I’d be lucky to have you!” She emphasized. “Anyone would be lucky to have you and some day some girl is going to see everything in you that you see in me.” I bit my lip to keep it from quivering. “Ky” she said my name in that soft manner that she always did and I’m sure had my heart not been broken it would have melted. She tried to hold my gaze but I didn’t want to look in to her eyes anymore. I didn’t want to see her want someone else anymore. I didn’t want to see her want someone who so stupidly didn’t want her.

                She sighed and rapped her arms around me and I stiffened. She rested her head on my shoulder, and I could feel her tears drop on to my skin. I felt every breath she took and every beat of her heart. I noticed every silent sob. I would have never of made her cry like this. She would have never of needed to worry with me. However, she didn’t want me. She wanted him. I felt her lips on my shoulder right below where my tank top ended. I looked down at her and she looked up. We were both so broken. “Abby” I said as she took my face in her hands. My eyes focused on her perfect lips. How could anything be that beautiful? She had those lips that you see on women like Marilyn Monroe. They looked so soft and the only thought running through my mind was how long I’d wanted, waited to kiss them. “You can do it if you want Ky.” She whispered knowing what I was thinking was her specialty. I shook my head no. “Because then things would be too different.” I whispered back. “And I don’t think I could take that.” She licked her lips. Was she trying to kill me? “I-I don’t want it to mean something to me and not you.” I told her. She dropped a hand to the back of my neck. “I love you.” I breathed looking from her lips to her eyes. “I’m in love with you, and-and I can’t take that you don’t love me like I love you.” I said truthfully. “I do love you Ky.” She said. “But I’m not in love with you no. Ky I like guys. I like guys like you like girls. It’s not something I can control and I wish I could Ky because I’d be yours.” Tears rolled down her face. “Ky I’d be yours in a flash. I only wish I could be. You’re my best friend. I love you.” I reach up and whipped away her tears. “For the record.” I breathed. “If I were a boy, I’d be a better man then him.” She laughed still holding me and I still holding her. “For the record.” She mimicked me. “I know that.”   

Hey to anyone who has taken the time to read this!!! :) I'm a poet not a writer but I have storys to tell. The one girl Abby I based off my ex so in part this is a true story and then again it isn't, it's very different. I hope you like it but if you don't that's cool to I'm still learning so it's all good.   - Kate