I guess it was the way things developed, how I fell in love with her. But not just any kind of love, not just the romance you have with your kindergarten crush. No. I fell in love with her like writes fall for poetry, like astronomers fall for stars, like the moon falls for the sun to rise every morning.
I fell in love with her, again, when I thought I couldn't love her more.
It's weird isn't it? How we think we have reached a limit but life continues to surprise us. I never thought I would meet a girl like her and never thought I could have these selfless emotions. Yeah, I never thought I could love the way I love her.
But why? It took me a while to realise what made me love her this much; took me a while to understand that love isn't just an irrational feeling that you have for someone. No, love isn't just about falling in love at first sight and continue feeling that way as the time passes.
It's truly part of it but there's more of it beneath the surface. The first time I saw her, I thought she was the most beautiful creature ever born. The way she smiled, how her cheeks turned red when I talked her, how she bit her lips trying to control her nervousness. I found her adorable back then. I thought she was the one.
And I wasn't wrong but the problem with falling in love at first sight or infatuation is that it takes longer to start seeing their flaws, to start noticing things, to leave the pink bubble we live in when we first meet that person. But that's exactly where love comes in, when you learn to respect, accept those flaws and you even start loving them.
Sometimes I would get frustrated because she could be very closed; she would deprive herself from having fun, experimenting, living. I never understood why she was so scared, why she had said yes when she was so scared. I only understood when she finally opened up.
"You were my first kiss Yixing" She told me once, out of nowhere. "I was so scared, so nervous, but I wanted it, I wanted it to be you and only you" "Why? Why didn't you tell me?" "I was scared you would think I was weird-" "-I would never!"
It was then when I realised that I was probably her first in many things, not just kissing, not just dating.
"The truth is, this is the first time I feel alive... you made that"
I understood so many things, understood why she was always so scared, so anxious. And I loved her, even more. Looking back to all the things we have gone through, made me realise that all those things I didn't understand about her were now resolved, all her mysteries had a reason to be, all her secrets... and I adored her, adored her delicate and fragile heart. Even though it scared me, it scares me because I don't want to hurt her.
"You see... there are so many things I still want to that I haven't done... but I'm scared of doing them alone. "Why? Why are you so scared?" "I guess... I feel vulnerable when I'm happy" "Even when you are with me?" "Specially when I'm with you. But I feel safe with you too, and that's why I'm not scared of living for the first time in my emotionless life, because you are here" I took her hand and squeezed it a little, kissing the back of it. "You know I love you right?" "And I love you too" "I want to be all your firsts Y/N... is that selfish?" "No... I want you to be all my firsts too Yixing" "But I also want to be your lasts, all your lasts" She smiled and kissed my cheek, getting closer to me. I adore when her body touches mine. "You will be my firsts, my lasts and my alls" "It's a deal then"
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