**This is a complete work of fiction. It is not an attack on fans, those who write fan mail, or anyone else.**
**I've written one fan letter in my entire life, and it was nothing like this. I just read about sasaengs and wondered what it would be like in their mind.**
**Depression is real and dark and terrifying. If you are dealing with depression, I know what you're going through. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself and surrounding yourself with people who will love and help you. I'm not on often, but if you want to reach out to me, leave a comment.**
Let me tell you the story of a girl. See, this was a lonely girl in a life full of people. She had no one to turn to, no one who knew who she really was. She was pulled deeper and deeper into a depression that she didn't know she was in.
So one day she wrote a letter to a celebrity, thinking that with that letter they would be friends. He was just like her, you see. They had the same problems. Surely, if anyone would be her friend, it would be him. She lied to herself and said that she was doing this because she wanted to show her support, but she was really doing it so she'd never have to face the problems in her own life. The problems that became his responsibility the minute the stamp hit the envelope. She just knew that if she wrote the most beautiful letter in the world, he would notice her and he would pull her from this depression she still didn't know she was in.
So she sent that letter and asked him to write back, knowing he wouldn't but somehow hoping he would. So she sent that letter and she waited for him to get back to her. She waited and waited for a letter that would never come, hating him for not writing it and hating herself for looking for it. And that depression that she willfully ignored grew into this beast that made her shut down every part of her life that didn't involve this beautiful stranger that would never acknowledge her existence.
Because, you see, this celebrity promised a future that she knew she would never have. He was a beautiful fantasy that gave her the chance to ignore the beast gnawing at her from the shadows of her broken heart. If she focused hard enough on that letter that would never come, she would never have to acknowledge the pain in her aching soul. The pain that was always there, but wasn't because she listened to the beautiful stranger on TV instead of the aching girl in the pit of her soul.
He had overcome these things because he was strong. He would show her how to do the same. She loved him, you see. Loved the beauty and the fantasy that he created on the screen and on the stage. If he would just write back, that fantasy would become reality and she would never hurt again. He would fill that black hole in her heart that had taken a lifetime to build. He would chase away her demons that slowly devoured her soul.
But the letter never came and her darkness grew. Nobody would chase away those demons, so she became one herself. He never saved her, even though she knew he never would. Celebrities aren't doctors, they can't put your life back together again. But she had grown past the point of reason. Past the point of sanity. She loved him, you see, and he never returned it. He was no more than all the other people in her life that had let her down. Including herself. But sssh. Reason doesn't live in her anymore.
She went to his concerts and followed him at the airport. Still some part of her thought he would see her and he would love her too. They would build that fantasy anew. But he turned from her. Ran from her touch. He cast her away like everyone else in her life had. She would show him what her darkness had borne. If he wouldn't love her, she would make him hurt. She told herself she was keeping him pure. Protecting him from this dark world. And maybe she was.
But the only monster in this story was the one she became.
A letter written. A letter not returned. Maybe she was protecting him. But not from the world. She was protecting him from the monster she became. She gave up her life to follow his. In the dark, where she felt she belonged. He didn't need to know she was there. She would be the ghost that haunted his soul like he had haunted hers.
She knew his every step. Knew his every word. Even if they weren't written in a letter, she would take them from him. Because, you see, she loved him. He was her bird and her heart his gilded cage. She followed him, waiting for the moment that she could make him hers. Her story was written on fansites that warned others about the dangers of an obsession. An obsession that so many are an inch away from. An obsession on the tips of their fingers as they write their next YouTube comment. An obsession that's fed with every click of the phone's shutter. An obsession they continue to deny exists because their own demons forbid them from seeing it.
A celebrity can't fix you. They can barely fix themselves.
