Dear Dan (A danisnotonfire fanfic)

Chapter 1

Dear Dan,

Who am I kidding. You probably won't even read this. I have written and re-written this so many times now but I just don't know what to say, or how to say it.

What have I got to lose? Here it goes.

Hi. My name is Tayla, I'm a British seventeen year old nobody and I have two years left to live. And that's if the medicine works. You see, I have been diagnosed with Ischemic Heart Disease a few weeks ago - this means the arteries that bring blood and oxygen to my heart are blocked and if left untreated can result in heart failure. I don't want to have a heart attack but the threat is always there, waiting. You probably don't care but at least you know a little bit about me.

I understand this isn't the usual email you get for your Internet Support Group series. I understand if you want nothing to do with me. To be honest, I don't particularly want anything to do with me either. But I figured this may be the only way I stand a chance of getting a reply from you. If I could get one thing in this world I would ask to meet you and Phil personally. I have the option to write to you and pray to whoever is listening you'll read this. I haven't had many chances in my life, but when one comes around I grab it and hope and pray something good will come out of it. If I should ever have the pleasure of meeting you, or at least hearing back from you, I can die content with what I have done with the small time allowed to me in this life.

Yours truly,

Tayla.

Tayla rested her head on the desk. That was the best draft she had written in four days, but it still seemed like a spoilt child asking for more chocolate than a genuine note from her under oxygenated heart. You're never going to send that, you know, a voice hissed in the back of her mind. Tayla sighed, knowing that the pessimistic, non-existant voice in her mind is the only thing keeping her from pressing the 'Send' button. Yet it seems like enough.

She slammed shut her laptop lid and paced her room, looking for anything to distract her from that horrible voice jeering at her. It's scary how sometimes you can feel so trapped in your own body. Tayla found herself staring into her mirror and the ashen girl in the reflection stared blanky back. She never thought much of herself: after all, what is there to love in her appearance? A 5'3" frame, covered in pasty skin, distant hazel eyes, straight brown hair and an empty expression.

Tayla's mind wandered, and all of a sudden she was back at the shiny white hospital room where the doctor broke the news about her condition.

* * *

Tayla's mother was gripping her hand. Her father sat next to her hospital bed, holding her new baby sister. The doctor stood, solemn and unmoving, in front of the family. He spoke the words Tayla dreaded: The results came back positive. You have Ischemic Heart Disease. I'm so sorry.

Tayla's mother began to sob, but Tayla sat still. The doctors lips were still moving, the heart monitor was still running, but she heard nothing. Nothing but the rush of blood in her ears and the dark voice in the back of her mind, telling her to just give up.

The shock had passed as the doctor left the room. Dread, as heavy and cold as lead, settled in her stomach and fear closed its ice fist around her struggling heart. Tayla knew she was at risk of heart failure. And heart failure equals death. At seventeen, that wasn't what she wanted. Not now. Not this early on in life.

* * *

Tayla peeled herself away from the mirror and the memories and walked downstairs slowly. She reached the kitchen, grabbed an apple off of the counter and sat across from her baby sister, Lilly, who was gurgling in her high chair.

"Don't grow up, Lilly. Stay young and oblivious." Tayla muttered to her sister, whilst eating bite after small bite of her apple. She wanted to meet Dan, more than anything. It may have been an unimportant wish, but to her coming face to face with this man was far from a simple crush. He was what reminded Tayla of happiness, reminded her there was always laughter to be found in the darkest places. Even if he is renowned for having an existential crisis every now and again.

Lilly looked at Tayla with her big, blue eyes and smiled. Tayla attempted a grin back but the darkness returned, pushing the corners of her mouth downward, as it had done for so many months prior.

About half an hour of numb recollection passed when Tayla heard that voice in the back of her mind again, taunting her, saying she'll never send that message to Dan. Why was such a small thing causing her such big issues? Then she remembered Shia LaBeouf's motivational speech.

Just do it. Don't let your dreams be dreams.

Tayla never thought she'd ever be persuaded by the actor who voiced Cody Maverick in 'Surf's Up' but she ended up telling herself 'Just send the damn thing'.

Then she figured, why not.

She flew upstairs, re-read the draft she had prepared for her favourite YouTuber and hovered the cursor above the button saying 'Send'. Would Dan Howell, gorgeous, brown-haired British YouTuber ever talk to a girl with Ischemic Heart Disease? Tayla figured if she only had two years left of life, maybe less, they were there for taking risks. She took a breath, closed her eyes and clicked.

It had sent.