With You I Feel Safe

Band-aid on a Bullet Wound

mentions of self-harm

Stiles POV~

Sometimes I feel like the walls are caving in on me. Everyday is a struggle. Going to sleep at night I often wish to not wake up, everything is too hard. Some teenagers want materialistic things like shoes and jewelry..... all I want is to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel the urge to hurt myself.....I guess you can say I want to be happy.

"Stiles get your ass up, you're gonna be late to school," my dad yells from the kitchen.

My dad always has the best ways to wake me up in the mornings.

School is one of the worst things in my life right now and sometimes I wish something would happen to me so I would not have to go, I think school is part of the reason I feel the way I do. I constantly feel like everyone is staring at me, which I know they are. Ever since the day the 'incident' happened everybody has started thinking different about me, they probably think i'm crazy, but at this point I think the same thing.

"I don't understand why every morning I have to yell all the way from the kitchen just so you will get your ass out of bed" my dad said.

As i'm walking down the hallway toward the kitchen I say to my dad, "I don't know dad, maybe it's because I just want to stay in bed all day long and lay in my own sadness until I finally work up enough courage to end it all".

My dad looks at me worried, "dad, i'm just kidding" I told him with a fake smile.

"Just get to school son," dad said looking concerned.

Just like most times I shrugged off my dads concerned and worried looks and went along with my day. My dad thinks i'm better.....everyone thinks i'm better, but i'm not. You would think after endless weeks of therapy I would be all fixed and perfect again, but that couldn't be any further from the truth. Maybe if I could have been honest about what happened to me it would have helped me a lot more, but i'm not going to take the chance. Basically all therapy did for me was put a band-aid over the bullet wound, and that band-aid is starting to come off very fast.

Every morning I drive my jeep to school. I could literally drive myself anywhere, but for some reason I don't, I just drive to school. Driving is hard for me, I normally have the radio blasting music, I never really care what is playing, I just need something to block out the silence. Most people think that being in silence is peaceful, but to me, there is nothing worse. The scariest part of being in silence, in my opinion, is knowing that when the voices I hear get loud enough and I can't control them, they will start to control me.

I pull up in the school parking lot and am greeted by a brown eyed, crooked jawed Scott McCall, who is my best friend. Shit, sometimes I think if I didn't have this guy then there really would be no reason to keep living this miserable thing called life.

"Stiles, what the fuck man? you told me to get here 15 minutes early so Lydia could help us study for the chemistry final," Scott yelled in a angry tone.

"Shit, Scott i'm sorry I totally forgot, and on top of that I also woke up late" I said hoping to be forgiven.

"Ugh, I guess i'll forgive you", Scott said in a joking way.

"So, no sleep again last night man" Scott asked.

I looked up at Scott and said "no...well some, I got at least an hour, which is more than usual I guess".

I've always been able to talk to Scott, he is the one person in my life who I actually trust one hundred percent, but recently, I feel like I can't tell anybody the truth about how i'm feeling because nobody would understand.

As we continued to walk into school, Scott looked over at me and said, "Stiles I know you want people to think you're okay, but you're just not. When do you think you can get back in with the therapist?"

I get really tired of being asked when i'm going to go back to therapy, but I know Scott is just worried and just wants what is best for me.

I respond by saying," I don't know man, you know the insurance plan ran out, and until my dad can start making some more money I can't go."

My dad really does not make good money, for some reason people think that since he is the sheriff he would make a lot, but that's not the case at all.

"Stiles, you know my mom is willing to help," Scott said.

" Listen Scott, I know that, but this isn't her probably to deal with, and plus I don't think therapy helped me that much anyways," I said while staring at the ground.

"What do you mean it didn't help?" Scott asked.

"I just mean------," I started to say before Lydia came and cut me off.

"Hey guys, where were you? I thought I was going to help you study?" Lydia asked.

I'm glad Lydia came over to us when she did, because I honestly did not feel like explaining all the problems with my therapy at the moment.

"Well this ass hat woke up late and he also forgot about it," Scott said while laughing at me.

"Well next time we all plan a study session I expect both of you to be there on time!" Lydia said in a very exaggerated tone.

Lydia had always been kind of a bitch, but i'm glad I can call her one of my really close friends.

I actually used to have a major crush on Lydia ever since I was five years old, it wasn't until freshman year that I realized that I didn't really like her the way I thought I did. I guess being a closeted teenager I programmed myself to think I liked her, when I actually liked people like Brad Pitt and Heath Ledger.

It's currently December which means all of our teachers are going to jam pack our brains with all the information they haven't taught us yet, because once we come back from Christmas break we have our fall semester finals.

I have never been the smartest guy, but I have never been stupid either. I keep mostly low B's in all my classes which I think is pretty impressive. I have always loved reading, you will quite often find me in the library with my nose in a book, I like to think I am very inquisitive. In my mind reading has always been a way for me to escape my problems and focus on the problems of the characters in books, I find it much more interesting than dealing with things that actually matter, like family drama, school, or finals for instance. I guess i'm just a dreamer dreaming of a life that is better than the one i'm stuck living in now.