I never knew this type of pain. It's a fresh wound. One I keep on touching. One that won't heal. I've been spending my days crying till 2am or until I fall asleep. Wishing I never did what I did. When you find something so magical, someone you are comfortable around, someone who loves all your flaws, someone who will be there no matter what. My god hold on to that. Because sometimes it can already be too late. Even after a week of not speaking. Yeah... In just a short amount of time the person you once loved can move on so quick.
It feels like a knife piercing through my heart. It's like I always take things for granted. My very first best friend... I took her for granted. I basically used her then stopped talking to her. Four months later, she passed away. I know.. fucked isn't it? I went to her funeral and her balloon release. Those were and still are dark days for me. Same thing happened with my most recent ex.. I had something amazing with this guy who would do anything for me. And I took him for granted. And I left him.
Maybe it's not the people who leave me... maybe it's the people who I leave and then they find happiness and I'm here crawling back to the days where I didn't fuck up everything. Now here's the part where I compare myself to Rachel and Ross from friends.. the one where they took a break. I was the one who suggested me and him take a break and then I came back to him and then realized he was so much happier without me. Now I'm the one begging him to come back to me... like what Ross did for Rachel. But nothing worked. He won't notice me anymore.
Maybe I'm the toxic trash people need to throw out? I think I am. I prayed and prayed to Get out of this dark place. It's not only about my best friends passing. It's not only about him not wanting me back. I also have these body issues that make me insecure. Too insecure. They never ever go away. It's these pesky demons who fucking always say I'm too fat for this or ew don't wear that you look disgusting you piece of shit human. Or even worse.. "why would anyone want you, you're such a burden." Thoughts like that never go away. They were just dormant for awhile and rose up when I'm vulnerable. I'm the end, I hate myself. But I'm trying to be better about everything but i don't know where to begin..
I have another issue that's occupying my mind. My health. Not only my mentality. But my physical health. My blood work results came in. They called to say that they're abnormal and then they set an appointment up. Four issues affecting me. They all have separate demons who make me feel so bad about myself. Too much pain. I need to figure out what I'm gonna do with myself. I can't be like this anymore. I want to get better.
