you're hoping you're not hopeless

two

Lauren chews on her bottom lip, staring down at the table. She wanted to stay home today, but her mami had forced her to school, telling her that she's not allowed to stay off forever. Lauren understands that, because school is important, and she needs to maintain her 5.0 GPA, but she isn't sure if she's ready yet.

"No," her mami had said when she'd tried to bundle under her covers after her alarm went off. "You've missed the first week of school. You can't miss the second week, too."

Lauren had cried in the car, not wanting to go into school so soon, because people are mean at school. People at school won't care if Lauren had just lost her abuela. They'll call her a freak anyway.

She's taken refuge in the art room, waiting for her friends to come. She'd missed Dinah and Ally a lot, because when they'd come to see her, Lauren hadn't been functioning at all, and she doesn't really remember what they'd spoken to her about.

Lauren hums to herself, staring at the chipped white paint of the table. She rummages through her backpack for a moment, getting her sketchbook out, and thinking about something to draw. She can't really think about lions right now, which upsets her, because her abuela was always the person she'd talk about lions with. Her abuela would always encourage her and listen to her, and even watch The Lion King whenever Lauren wanted.

Lauren wishes she could go back and watch it with her again. Normani had tried to watch it with her, but Lauren couldn't handle the opening credits, and she'd cried, shutting herself in the bathroom until Normani had turned it off.

Since art is her other special interest, Lauren decides that she'll focus on that, until it's less painful to think about lions again. Of course, she's not going to get rid of Nala, because she needs Nala, but except for her best friend, she doesn't want to think about lions.

She chews on her lip again, looking down at the blank page in the sketchbook, before she carefully selects a pencil from her case. She pauses in thought, thinking of something to draw, before she lets out a heavy sigh and starts to sketch.

She doesn't notice her friends come into the room while she's drawing, not until she hears Dinah call her name. She looks up, blinking in surprise, before her gaze snaps to the clock.

"Don't worry," Ally smiles at her. "You're not late for homeroom."

Lauren stares down at the drawing she'd been doing, her grandmother's eyes from memory. Her abuela was the only person who was allowed to look Lauren in the eyes, except for maybe Normani sometimes.

(And Nala. Always Nala.)

Dinah grins down at the sketch. "Damn, Lo, I know I've seen tons of your drawings, but I swear, they keep getting better."

"Yes," Lauren agrees quietly. "That... that happens when you practice lots."

Dinah just smiles at her, taking her usual seat on Lauren's left. "Did you go to the office and get your new schedule?"

Lauren's expression sours, and she nods. She's angry, because she's already so upset, and a new schedule that she didn't design is making things so much worse. "I have- um, an appointment with- with Demi. To talk things over."

Normani sends her a soft smile. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"I- um, yes," Lauren nods, because she's only met the counsellor once before, when she'd started at this school – her mami had told her principal that she had delays, and he'd organised a meeting on the first day of her freshman year – but Lauren's not comfortable talking with her alone just yet. "But... but it's okay if... if you can't."