Inside my mind

Inner struggle

You should reach out, out for somebody somebody. Somebody my mind keeps telling me but my body stays numb and my focus is spotty. Focus. What is focus? Is it the act of handling the one thing or is it the act of handling everything? Well I'm feeling everything. Not just physically I'm feeling everything I dont all at once like a flood of all the emotions failures and indecisive moments that turned into major fuck ups that put me where I am. I know I only have myself to blame for what I am, I don't fear that I'm the only one responsible, I fear that I know I'm responsible and for that there is another part of me taking me out of this life like there is another piece or person isolating me while the other was just getting out of its shell I fear that one day he'll get me to himself... that one day this battle will be a war. One that I'll lose to him the other me whom is ruthless and powerful the one who'd kill me off just to know he took a life even if it were his own I fear that no one will know the truth I fear that I may be hiding it just as well as I'd like sometimes that I'm "okay" when I'm all reality the only reason I can make these pieces of art and keep things together is because I have these freak outs that make me focus on every little fucking detail of everything's I draw so that I can only look at one thing so I can't focus on everything I do it I'll I'm physically and mentally exhausted tonight I chose to type it out write down the account as if one day it'll help understand things. Why me you might ask? I chose you because I know you'd understand. You won't force me in meds or into a ward unless I'm attempting it. I just need a control in the world of chaos that I'm creating. Sorry for the length of this and sorry if you don't care. But thx for getting this far at least my hands couldn't they can't keep up with my head I guess that's the sign to call it..