Inside my mind

J.M

Her..

I miss her, I act tough to seem okay I act like I hate her and sometimes I do. Every time we're close it hurts, it stings the pain seems unbearable to be what I am to her. But at the same time I had been my brightest when with her. I miss everything about her. I miss the days we spent and the nights we shared without a care in the world about anything. Days dragged and had gone too quick at the same time. Now I'm on my own I lose time. I stay up all night I'm neater without her I seem to take care of my possessions better but I'm losing grip on me, my body, my mind.. I'm slipping. How close to the edge am I? There seems to be nothing to fill the hole. Endless hours of games, time with friends, food. Not that I've eaten enough lately to know. Other women I try but become discouraged knowing in my head I'm still caught in my own tracks, driving, speeding till the car gives out and the only thing I see is deaths cold hands reaching for me, nicotine the only buzz that could keep me down before she came along. Tanks a day doesn't matter nothing can calm me the way she did. Everything seems lost I'm so angry and depressed lately I don't know who I am, she said I can't stand who you're turning into stop being someone you're not. Well then who the fuck am I? The only thing I see in a mirror anymore is a lie I don't even recognize myself anymore I don't see a future all I see when I look at myself is an unquenchable Fire raging inside choking me out while the fire burns anyone near and I can't stand to be around myself anymore. I miss her I miss all the things she did I miss the stupid quips and the dumbass tics. Every imperfection was perfect for me, the way she spoke the way she felt the way she'd console when I couldn't find my soul, the way she felt the way she smelt when she smelt like nothing at all. She may have hurt me but I feel at fault. It wasn't you they all say it was her not you and my brain agrees but my heart just grieves at the dead person inside of me all I hear is the sound of chaos when all I want is your calming and paralyzing voice and nothing sounds right anymore the songs are just noise my voice is just screaming my chords are strained and all I can think of are bullets to the brain it's making me insane I can't save myself and I don't think anyone can except for her out of all the guys I hoped you'd say me and I know that you blame but believe me when I say I miss you jamie mays.