Just Let Me Try

Chapter 11

One Wednesday night in mid-April, Quinn found herself in the passenger seat of Mrs. Puckerman's mini-van. Puck's mom had asked Quinn during dinner if she wanted to go pick out bedding and decorations for the baby's room and she agreed. Over the past four months, Quinn had really come to love and respect Ruth Puckerman. This woman had every reason to despise Quinn. She wasn't Jewish, she was devoutly Christian, she was dating her only son and she just so happened to be carrying his child. Despite all of that, Ruth had been nothing but king and warm to Quinn from the first day they met. It was Puck's mom who put a roof over Quinn's head, fed her dinner most nights, especially when Puck was working and asked nosey questions that Quinn secret didn't mind answering at all because she was just so glad that someone other than Puck cared about how she was feeling. It was also Ruth who woke up at four in the morning a few nights ago, on her day off, to reassure Quinn and her son that the contractions Quinn was having weren't really labor pains, just Braxton Hicks.

As much as Quinn liked spending time with Puck's mom, it also made her realize how much she missed her own mother. Yes, she stood by while Quinn's father set the microwave timer after ordering her out of his house. Yes, she most likely knew that her daughter was pregnant long before Finn sang that ridiculous song, and yes, Judy Fabray was not likely to receive the 'mother of the year' award anytime soon, but she was still Quinn's mother and there were times when she missed her terribly. On more than one occasion, when she had a problem or a question, Quinn instinctively reached for her phone and began dialing her mother's cell number, only to stop before she finished the last two digits because she knew there would be no answer and that would break her heart even more. Sometimes, Quinn would dream that she was a little girl again, playing on the playground. She would skin her knee and her mother would come to scoop her up, hold her and kiss her pain away. It all seemed so real until Quinn would jolt awake in a cold sweat and begin to cry into her pillow so that Puck wouldn't wake up. What she didn't know was that he had woken up a couple of times when he heard her frantically murmur 'mama' in her sleep, but he never said a word. Puck pretended to be asleep, but he would tighten his arms around her slightly, just to remind her that he was there.

It was in the moments when she missed her mother the most that Quinn all the more fiercely promised herself that she would not become like her. Her daughter would know that beauty wasn't about how much she weighed or how tan she was. Her daughter wouldn't have to put aside the feelings she felt for someone because he wasn't deemed 'suitable' by her parents because of his religion. Her daughter would never have to live in constant fear of what her parents thought, and her daughter would never lie awake in bed at night, wondering if her parents ever spoke about her, ever thought about her or if they still loved her.

For as often as Quinn dreamt about her mother or what she would be like as a mother, she never once dreamt of her father. She reasoned that this was because she had a constant, nagging fear of being like her mother, but knew that Puck would never be like her father. Once, it seemed so long ago to her now, she had told Mr. Schue's psycho wife that a girl really needed a good father. She was not only speaking for her daughter, but for herself, as well. Once upon a time, she thought her dad was a good person, but then he changed, or maybe, she had. Quinn could easily picture Puck scaring monsters from under a bed or out of a closet. Her father merely told her they weren't real and plugged in a nightlight, which only scared her more because it made dark shadows appear on her bedroom ceiling. Quinn could hear Puck softly humming lullabies and silly songs. Her father was too busy to even show up to a few of her dance recitals.

In some ways, Quinn wished her father had met Puck, had known he was her baby's father (did he even know now?), because, years down the road when she knew she would be guilted into celebrating a birthday or holiday or wedding with her parents, they would see that they were completely wrong about people like him. They would see how happy she was and realize that maybe, just maybe, Puck wasn't just 'that Jewish boy who gets into trouble all the time'.